


Ask Varric

by theCelticMyst



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: Advice, F/F, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-25
Updated: 2020-03-14
Packaged: 2020-03-17 05:35:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 39
Words: 27,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18958918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theCelticMyst/pseuds/theCelticMyst
Summary: Varric Tethras is now writing an advice column for The Randy Dowager.  Master Tethras receives letters from characters throughout all of Thedas (all games), from both major and very minor characters.





	1. Introducing Angsty Aunt

_The Randy Dowager is proud to welcome a new column to our prestigious pages!  Ask Varric: The Angsty Aunt will post his first piece of advice to his readers in our very pages next issue!  Yes,_ the _Varric, master wordsmith Varric Tethras author of the suspenseful High in Hardtown Series and the randy Swords and Shields Serial will be adding his wonderful words to our pages._

_Master Tethras is a friend to the Champion of Kirkwall and an advisor to the Inquisitor. For the first time ever, he will be sharing his wisdom with you: our beloved readers_

            Varric looked down at the announcement and smiled.  This was going to be fun.

            There was a disgusted sound over his shoulder and he saw Cassandra striding towards him, her pace determined.  “Tell me you aren’t really doing this!”  She waved the latest issue of _Randy Dowager_ at him.

            “OK, I’m not doing it,” he shrugged.

            “That’s a lie,” she threw the issue at him.

            “Of course it’s a lie,” he sniggered.  “You have the magazine in front of you.  I hope you like the next issue.”

            Now all he had to do is wait for _Randy Dowager_ to start sending him letters.


	2. Conflicted Commander

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Conflicted Commander needs relationship advice.

Dear Angsty Aunt,

            There is a girl, no woman, now lady, I have met.  She’s amazing.  The first time I saw her, I couldn’t take my eyes off of her.  She’s that beautiful.  She has this hair, and these eyes, and these freckles that… my words just can’t do them justice.  She’s also funny.  I know the Champion of Kirkwall and Hawke is renowned for her humor, but this woman is funnier than Hawke.  I want to approach her, but I don’t know how.  I have little experience with women and she is special.

            There are also factors that are keeping us apart.  Her title, and mine, makes a relationship between us a little problematic.  It’s my job to keep her safe.  Maker, I want to keep her safe.  She is also a mage, while I’m an ex-Templar.  She was raised in a Circle and supports the Free Mages.  Worse, is that I have heard a rumor from the barracks that she is involved with someone else. 

            Please advise me on what to do.  I’m in love, but I can’t be with her.

            _Conflicted Commander_

 

            Dear Conflicted Commander,

            First of all, I know Hawke as well and no one is funnier than Hawke.  Not even this beautiful lady of yours.  Secondly, a title is just a title.  Only idiots pay attention to that sort of thing. You don’t sound like the idiot type.  It is not what leads the heart.  If you read my series _Swords and Shields_ , you would know that the Knight-Captain and her guardsman will not let titles stand in their way.  Be like Avangeline.

            Besides, you are no longer a Templar and she is no longer a Circle Mage.  You said it yourself C.C., she is a Free Mage.  Don’t let the Chantry’s silly expectations keep you from being with someone you love.  As for the rumors from the barracks… is she aware that she is involved with someone else?  Does the other party perhaps think they’re in a relationship when she thinks they are just friends?  This has happened recently to a friend of mine, a very beautiful mage friend of mine who has a lofty title.  A certain person I will refer to as Hero has roguemanced her.  He believes they are in a relationship, but my friends is unaware of it. Be bold, claim your love.  Don’t let someone else stand in the way. 

            Talk to the woman or go to her and literally sweep her off of her feet.  Be bold and daring, swing onto her balcony and sing to her.  I have a feeling you sing quite well.  If you can’t get up the courage, go to your handsome dwarf friend and have him set up a game of Wicked Grace.  Then lose so badly that you lose your shirt, and everything else.  This will show her your assets and what she’s missing.   I am including copies of my _Swords and Shields_ series to give you ideas.

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            Varric reread his response to the letter.  Did Curly really think he didn’t know it was him?  It was a nice to know he’d guessed right about the Commander’s feelings for the Inquisitor.  He had no doubt who the letter was or who it was about.  He would have to go to Evie to find out what _was_ happening between her and Blackwall.  He suspected that Tempest had no idea everyone, including Blackwall, thought she was in a relationship with the Grey Warden.

            “Varric, what are you thinking telling Conflicted Commander to pursue a relationship with this woman.  Whoever they are, the woman is obviously a superior officer,” Cassandra stormed into the room waving the latest issue of _The Randy Dowager._  “It also seems that she is already with someone else.  Do you really believe this Commander should do the dishonorable thing and steal the woman away?”

            “It’s love, Seeker.  Yes, he should fight for her heart whether someone else is in the battle or not,” Varric insisted.  “Love is worth fighting for.  I would think a Seeker would know when not to surrender.”

            “Did you fight for Bianca?”  She challenged.

            That was a low blow.  “I did.  I lost.”  He stood up and walked out.

           


	3. Scared in Skyhold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Varric, in his Angsty Aunt persona, answers three more letters.

           Dear Angsty Aunt,

            My boss said hi to me the other day.  I think she’s planning to kill me.  Now hear me out, I work for a woman who is officially a Seneschal, but she is also a spymaster.  She carries hidden knives and can smile at someone and stab them at the same time.  I’ve heard rumors that she used to be a bard and I know she was the Left Hand of the Divine.  She’s also a Veteran of the Fifth Blight.  This is not a woman to be trifled with.

            _Scared in Skyhold_

 

            Dear Scared,

            You may be right about your boss.  She sounds like a dangerous woman to me, one who likes to stab things and kill people.  If she is who I believe her to be, yes, you should be worried that she is planning to kill you.  She does like to kill people.  To ensure you stay on her good side, buy her a pair of shoes.  I suggest at least one pair a month to keep her happy.

            _Angsty Aunt_

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            Who is dis woman?

            _An Orlesian in Ferelden_

 

            Dear Orlesian,

            The portrait that you sent to me looked familiar so I consulted with my agents.  The woman in the picture is Queen Elissa of Ferelden.  She is also known as The Hero of Ferelden.  One of my associates has told me that Queen Elissa saved Connor Guerrin’s life.  If you didn’t already know, he’s the son of Eamon Guerrin, the former Arl of Redcliffe.  You may have seen her when she was in Redcliffe, you may have even talked to her.  I have had a list of Ferelden’s nobles sent to you with sketches of them.  This will allow you to familiarize yourself with them.

 

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            Rumors are flying around my castle that I am involved with someone.  I have no idea who I am supposedly being courted by.  Have I been roguemanced?  What do I do?

 

            _Roguemanced Mage_

Dear Roguemanced Mage,

            Go to everyone you know, that you aren’t in love with, and break up with them.  Tell them they are a good friend, but that’s as far as things go.  The person who gets upset is the one who roguemanced you.

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            Varric looked down at the letters that had been published for that week and smiled as he set down his copy of _the Randy Dowager_.  He’d done good work for his readers.  Poor Tempest, he knew whose poor Warden heart would be broken that week, but he knew his Tempest was perfect for Curly.

            Cassandra walked in and sat down across from him and set a copy of the magazine down in front of her.  “Orlesian in Redcliffe is clearly Arlessa Isolde Guerrin.  Does she really not know what the Hero of Ferelden looks like?”

            “Perhaps she spends so much time in front of a mirror that she no longer recognizes other women.”

            Cassandra made a disgusted sound, but didn’t disagree with him.  “We need to find out who Scared in Skyhold is so we can determine whether Leliana really plans to kill her.  The shoe idea was brilliant.”

            Varric’s eyes widened.  Had the Seeker just complimented him?  “Thanks.”


	4. Can't Sleep in Kirkwall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Desperate in Denerim bemoans that his partner is not merely a smith, but an artisan. Meanwhile, a couple in Kirkwall are having problems.

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I love my partner very much.  We are partners both in business and our private lives.  He is a very talented smith and artisan.  This is both a blessing and a curse.  He becomes inspired and will put aside the jobs of paying customers to create his inspirations.  For example, there was one lady who came in with drake scale and then dragon scale.  He put aside our orders for a week the first time she came in and made her armor instead.  Then he didn’t even want to charge her for it.  We run a business together and must think of that, but he cares more about his art.  I don’t know what to do, no matter how I plead with him, he continues this behavior.

 

            _Desperate in Denerim_

 

            Dear Desperate,

            Do you love your partner or not?  You feel in love with an artist.  You must let his creativity flow.  I do not write Hard in Hightown to make money that is just a nice bonus.  It is the art that compels me.  You may take care of the books and customers, but his talents and creativity are why your business is successful.  If you love him, support him. 

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            Angsty Aunt,

            My husband has started snoring.  His snoring has kept me awake in the middle of the night.  I tried hitting him with a Don’t Sign, but he grabbed it from me and went to sleep in our guest room.  He was back in our bed the next night, but was snoring again.  I have a very demanding job and need my sleep, please help.

            _Can’t Sleep in Kirkwall_

 

            Dear Can’t Sleep,

            Avaline, stop hitting Donnen.  He has his duties as a guard and is married to you.  Those are both also very demanding.

            _Angsty Aunt_

Dear Angsty Aunt.

            I love my wife very much, but she has become abusive of late.  She swears I’m snoring and the other night she hit me with a Don’t sign.   I left the bedroom, but came back the next night and she continues to harangue me about my supposed snoring.  The thing is that she is the one who snores, but doesn’t believe me.  I don’t want to separate from her, but I’m not getting very much sleep and now she’s become abusive.

            _Scared Spouse_

            Dear Scared,

            Talk to your wife about her behavior.  Let her know that you love her, but will not be her training dummy.  I would bet coin she has one in her office, not that I would know that she has an office.  If you have to sleep in the guest room, which I just know you have, it might give you both needed time apart.

            Varric set down the magazine and looked over at the stack of letters beside him.  He would send Carver to check on Aveline and Donnen.  It seemed the couple was experiencing a stumbling block.  He wondered if he and Bianca would ever have hit the point that they became unhinged over snoring.  By looking at the couples around him, he assumed they would.  Maybe it wouldn’t be snoring, but something just as insignificant. It was always the little things

            “You should have told _Scared Spouse_ to leave his abusive wife.  The woman is likely a shrew,” Cassandra sat across from him once more.  “Who would hit someone with a sign that says ‘Don’t’?”

            Varric wondered if she knew that Can’t Sleep in Kirkwall and Scared Spouse were married and that they were the couple that _Swords and Shields_ was based on the couple in question.  “I had this friend once who hit people with it.”  She still did apparently.  “She could be a little fierce at times, but she definitely loves her husband.  Someday, I’ll tell you about some copper marigolds she tried to give him as a courting gift.”

            She waved to someone by the door and Cabot entered with two pints of ale.  He set one down in front of each of them.  “Why don’t you tell me about it now?”

            “All right, Seeker,” he grabbed the tankard in front of him and leaned back.  “There are people who are bad at courting and then there’s Aveline…”


	5. Failed at Friendship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A hero is heartbroken, a dwarf is afraid of schleets, and an elf regrets betraying a friend.

Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I met a wonderful woman; she is brave, valiant, and kindhearted.  I think I’m in love with her and thought she felt the same.  However, she came to me a couple of days ago and told me that I was a good friend, but that was all she felt for me.  This was after she said the same thing to three other men and two women.  What should I do?

            _Heartbroken Hero_

 

            Dear Heartbroken Hero,

            Was the lady in question aware that you were in a romance?  In the future try talking to her first and find out exactly what her feelings are before making her your girlfriend.  I suggest getting a dog next time you need affection.

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

Dear Angsty Aunt,

            Ever since I moved to Ferelden, from Orzammar, about a decade ago, I’ve been terrified of creatures called schleets.  A lad in Amaranthine told me about them.  He said they were a common problem in the country.  They lie on the ground, looking like ordinary pairs of pants, ‘til you turn around.  That’s when they strike.  They’ll eat your eyeballs and when they’re done with you, they wander off on their unnatural pant legs.  The Hero of Ferelden said they were real, but I didn’t believe her.  Then just the other night, as I was stumbling home from the tavern I thought I saw them.  I outran them and now I’m not sure if they’re real or if I was just drunk.  Are they real?

            _Petrified of Pretend Pants_

 

            Dear Petrified,

            Yes, schleets are a real problem in Ferelden.  I’m surprised you haven’t had to fight off a pair before this.  You did the right thing by running.  Keep your nose to the dust, lest they surprise you and make you their next meal.

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

 

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I have lost the affections of my best friend and I don’t even know where she is any longer.  She was more than my best friend, I loved her.  I never told her that.  We had one beautiful night together and then I left her.  Before I could go back and tell her that it was the worst mistake I had ever made, she hooked up with this _mage_.  She even moved him into her estate.

            I then spent three years contemplating my decisions and then we began to reestablish our friendship.  We killed some slavers and my former master and the bond we had was remade.  I did sleep with one of her companions after that, but since she had already found another, I thought it would be fine. I was incorrect, and she seemed unhappy about that indiscretion.  Then her lover went and blew up the Kirkwall Chantry and we had another, a worse, fall out again.  She sided with the mages.  It angered me at the time and I refused to support her.  Instead, I supported the Templars and fought with Commander Meredith.  I even managed to convince two of the guards to go with me as I confronted her.  She killed both guards and left me for dead.  I guess I should be grateful that she didn’t make sure she’d finished the job.  Now I need to find her and talk to her, but I don’t know how to apologize.

            _Failed at Friendship_

 

            Dear _Failed_ ,

            First of all, your biggest mistake was when you tried to kill her, but siding with Meredith was a doozy all by itself.  Your friend was a mage.  Let’s not discuss yet how I know this, but I know this.  She had made her stance in the mage-Templar conflict well known to you, yet you chose to follow her anyway.  Then when she needed her help, you tried to literally backstab her.  You need to apologize for this and I would not suggest doing it in person, unless you want a fireball up your ass.  She must still care if she left you alive the first time. She’s usually very good about judging when someone is dead.  Try a bottle of wine, which will let her know it is from you.  It can’t be any bottle of wine, though.  It has to be something special.  She would love a bottle of Chevin Red.  The Dragon 9:30 is considered their best year, which is why the Feravis Carta stole most of the remaining bottles.  They are located in Cumberland.  Send the bottles, along with a note of apology, to her in Weisshaupt where Marion Hawke happens to be, if you happened to be looking for the Champion of Kirkwall who happened to have saved many of the Kirkwall’s mages despite your and Meredith’s efforts.  I also suggest arranging for a chocolate cake to arrive with the wine.  It should say ‘I’m very sorry, please don’t kill me’.

            Also, you weren’t ‘contemplating your decisions’, you were brooding like you always do.  And, yes, she was unhappy about your indiscretion.  That particular companion was at the healer once a week to deal with the side effects of her many indiscretions.  You’re lucky you didn’t catch anything.

_Angsty Aunt_

 

            Varric looked down at the magazine.  The letters were now pouring in, but the one from Fenris had been the most surprising one yet.  Probably because he’d been sure Fenris was dead.  He didn’t bother responding to Fenris’ declaration of love for Hawke.  Still reeling from the realization that Broody was alive, he wasn’t sure how to address the declaration of affection after what Fenris had done.  He had thought about warning Hawke that the elf was alive and looking for her, but the magazine would likely reach her faster than a personal letter would.

            He looked up, expecting to see Cassandra, as he usually did after _The Randy Dowager_ ’ _s_ latest issue came out, but she wasn’t there.  Looking around. he saw her walking carefully into the Main Hall, the magazine still in front of her and a deep frown on her face.  It appeared that she disagreed with his advice once again.  She held out the magazine to him.  “This last letter is clearly from Fenris.”

            “Yes, it is,” he agreed.

            “You told me he was dead,” she reminded him.

            “I thought he was,” he held his hands up.

            “You also thought Corypheus was dead,” she pointed out.  “You aren’t very good at checking bodies, are you?”

            “Corypheus _was_ dead,” he insisted.  He was still sure of it.  “He had the end of Hawke’s staff in his eye socket. That’s not something people walk away from.  Look, Seeker, if you just came here to criticize my corpse detection skills...”

            “No,” she sighed.  “Poor Blackwall is broken-hearted.  I don’t think he’s going to take your advice, though.  Could you help me find a puppy to give him?  Perhaps don’t even let him know it was from me.  Tell him one of your readers heard about _Heartbroken_ _Hero’s_ troubles and sent it.”

            Varric grinned at her.  This gentle side, the side that was sad for her friend, was one he rarely saw.  “I’d be happy, too.  It’s better that this happen early on, though.  He was getting in the way of Tempest and Curly’s happiness and giving his heart to someone who doesn’t love him back.  Let’s go…”

            Cullen hurried to them, his own copy of _The Randy Dowager_ clutched to his chest.  “She only thought of him as a friend.  Varric, I need for you to arrange a game for me.”


	6. Frazzled Ferelden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another issue of The Randy Dowager is out and there are three more letters to Angsty Aunt published within.

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            My wife left years ago to find a Cure for the taint that is in every Grey Warden’s blood.  That is the Grey Warden’s Calling.  I miss her.  I miss her a lot.  She was not only the great love of my life, but my chief adviser.  She is not only beautiful; she is smart, brave, intelligent, and cunning.  Now, everyone expects me to still make decisions without her.  I do my best, but somehow the palace has run out of cheese!  The cheese barrels are empty and my wife is still searching for the cure.  Yet everyone still expects me to make the big decisions.  I can’t recall my wife from her mission.  She’s doing it for us, so we can grow old together, but I just want to go chase after her.  Perhaps she’ll find the cure faster with me there.  And there might be cheese where she is and it’s where she is.

            _Frazzled Ferelden_

Dear Frazzled,

            It sounds like your wife is an amazing woman.  I understand that she feels her mission is very important, though.  I understand why you want to go after her, but you can’t leave your kingdom unattended.  Is there anyone she would trust to take over the mission for her?  She must be pining for you, too.  As for the cheese matter, I suggest making one of your nobles as Minister of Cheese.  It would be his job to ensure your kingdom, and palace, are well stocked with cheese so you can go back to worrying about other things.

            _Angsty Aunt_

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            My sister’s one-night mistake came to see me in the Gallows a couple of days ago.  He wants me to help him infiltrate a Carta and steal some cases of wine with him.  I explained to him that Kirkwall is fighting Starkhaven right now and with the woeful few Templars left here, I couldn’t just run off.  My men need me.  If I leave, they might go and join Corypheus like our more foolish brethren.  However, it does sound like fun and I think he’s trying to make up for trying to kill my sister.  Should I go with him anyway?

            _Keeping Faith in Kirkwall_

            Dear Keeping,

            I understand how an offer of adventure from a long lost brooding friend could be tempting, but you have responsibilities now.  Besides, if I told you to go and you got hurt, your sister would kill me.

            _Angsty Aunt_

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I am _not_ a mage.  How can I convince others of this fact?

            _Delightful Dalish_

            Dear Dalish,

            Just keep reminding them that you are not.  If they see something that they think is magical, explain to them why it is not.  Eventually, they will either believe you or at least stop arguing with you.

            _Angsty Aunt_

            Varric looked up from the latest issue of _The Randy Dowager_ , expecting to see Cassandra soon.  He now looked forward to their little meetings after the periodical’s newest edition hit Skyhold.  This time, she wasn’t the one who joined him.

            Leliana’s laughter tinkled as she set down her own copy of the magazine.  “Dalish is a mage, there is no question of that.”

            “She says she isn’t,” Varric crossed his arms.  “Until she is free to move around Thedas without fear of the Chantry trying to snatch her up and throw her wherever they want to, she isn’t a mage.”

            Leliana merely nodded and changed the subject.  “I’m more concerned about _Frazzled Ferelden_.  Alistair and Elissa have been apart for too long, and I don’t like seeing those I love suffering.  “I’m going to bring this up at the war table.  Your idea of having someone else find the cure is spot on.  The Inquisition should be that someone.  I just need your help convincing Evie to side with me. Josie might agree, because it would bring the Ferelden Crown closer to us.   Cullen, on the other hand, is likely to call it a waste of our resources. Evie is far more fond of Cullen than she realizes, and heed his advice because of it.”

            “If you include our Grey Warden allies in the search, it might help convince them both and would allow the Wardens to not just regain their honor, but give them a cause that will make them feel that they’re fighting for those still in Corypheus’ thrall,” Varric revealed.  “If they can remove the taint, they can remove the influence Corypheus has over them.”

            Leliana’s expression brightened.  “You’re right, I will…”

            “Varric I need to talk to you,” Cullen marched towards the table where Varric sat.

            “What’s up, Curly?”  He had a good idea of what it could be.

            “I need you to arrange a game of Wicked Grace and I need to be sure Evie is there,” he grabbed a chair and slumped into it.  “I know now that Evie was never really with Blackwall, but I still don’t know how to…”

            “Say no more,” Varric waved off his concern.  “I’ll arrange everything.”

           


	7. Craving Cookies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One reader craves cookies. The other is looking for a certain man.

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            Your bas magazine has made its way to Par Vollen.  The tamassran are reading it and arguing over your advice.  I do not understand what this Confused Commander wants, but one of the tamassran insists he should march to this lady he’s obsessed with, grab her, and show her how he feels.  Another thinks that Failed at Friendship should stay away from the friend he betrayed, lest she kills him a second time and that his betrayal does deserve death.  I do agree that the picture of the woman that the Orlesian in Ferelden sent is Queen Elissa.  I have met her.

            I do not write to you for this reason, though.  I spent time in Ferelden during the Fifth Blight.  While there, I encountered a most delicious food, one that is superior to anything I can find in Par Vollen.  My Fereldan companions told me they were called cookies.  I have thought of using the Qun’s sources to trade for these cookies, but that would not be a wise use of our assets.  I would make them myself, but I do not know how.  Help me with this problem and I shall allow your bas publication to remain in Qunandar.

            _Craving Cookies_

P.S.  I would put my real title, but the tamssrans insist I use a pseudonym.

            Dear Craving,

            I have the perfect cookie recipe for you.  You will need to cook it in a brick oven rather than a fireplace.  People who have gatlock should have brick ovens, so I’ll assume you have access.  You need: 1 cup of butter, softened, 1 tablespoon of molasses, 1/2 cup white sugar if you are able to find the substance in Par Vollen, of not, use honey, 2 eggs, 1 teaspoon of the extract of vanilla beans, 1 1/2 cups, 1 teaspoon baking soda, 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon, 1/2 teaspoon ground cloves, 1/2 teaspoon salt, 3 cups rolled oats, 1 cup of chocolate broken down into chips.

            In a large bowl, cream together the butter, molasses, sugar or honey, eggs, and vanilla until smooth. Combine the flour, baking soda, cinnamon, cloves, and salt; stir into the sugar mixture. Stir in the oats and raisins. Drop by rounded spoonful onto ungreased sheets.

            Bake 10 to 12 minutes until light and golden in a brick oven that has been heated sufficiently.  Do not overbake. Let them cool for 2 minutes before removing them from sheets or they will fall apart and burn you as you lift them.

            Enjoy as you smuggle in even more copies of _The Randy Dowager_ to your people.  Please give copies to all your friends.

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            Where is Anders?

            _Seeking a Man_

Dear Seeking,

            He hasn’t been in Kirkwall for a long time. If he were there, Hawke would personally destroy your army and punch you in the face for attacking her city. Her trusty dwarf friend would help her. Stop being an idiot.

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            Varric snorted at the second letter.  Did Sebastian think he was fooling anyone?  He knew who _Seeking a Man_ was.  Could he not come up with a more creative name, either?  Even the Qunari had a better pseudonym.

            “Did Prince Sebastian really believe you’d tell him Anders’ whereabouts?”  Cassandra sat down across from him.  “You wouldn’t even tell me where he and Hawke were.  Sebastian has sent word to the Inquisition demanding our help against Kirkwall.”

            _Damn_ , Varric knew he shouldn’t be surprised and he knew Tempest wouldn’t side with the crazy prince, but he still worried.  “I suppose it was discussed at the war table.  What happened?”

            “Inquisitor Trevelyan heeded Cullen’s advice and sent an army… to help Kirkwall,” Cassandra was watching him closely and smiled at his flinch before she added that the Inquisition would side with Kirkwall.  “You didn’t think she’d help Starkhaven, did you?”  She gave a little laugh that Varric grudgingly admitted he found delightful.  “She grew up in a mage circle and hates them.”

            “I know,” he leaned forward.  “I shouldn’t have doubted Tempest.”

            “Now, about these cookies,” Cassandra pushed her own copy of the periodical towards Varric.  “Are they any good?”

            “They’re wonderful, Seeker,” he stood and held out a hand before he even realized what he was doing.  “If you would accompany me to the kitchens, I would be honored to show you.”

            “I’d be thrilled,” she took the offered hand. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Real Cookie recipe: Ingredients  
> 1/2 cup butter, softened  
> 1/2 cup butter flavored shortening  
> 1 cup packed light brown sugar  
> 1/2 cup white sugar  
> 2 eggs  
> 1 teaspoon vanilla extract  
> 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
> 
> 1 teaspoon baking soda  
> 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon  
> 1/2 teaspoon ground cloves  
> 1/2 teaspoon salt  
> 3 cups rolled oats  
> 1 cup Chocolate chips (You can use raisins, but that would make these lie cookies!)  
> Directions  
> Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).  
> In a large bowl, cream together the butter, butter flavored shortening, brown sugar, white sugar, eggs, and vanilla until smooth. Combine the flour, baking soda, cinnamon, cloves, and salt; stir into the sugar mixture. Stir in the oats and raisins. Drop by rounded teaspoonfuls onto ungreased cookie sheets.  
> Bake 10 to 12 minutes until light and golden. Do not overbake. Let them cool for 2 minutes before removing from cookie sheets to cool completely. Store in an airtight container. 
> 
> Thanks as always to my most wonderful beta, Indunasappl.


	8. Hunting Hero

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angsty Aunt gives sage advice to three people.

Dear Angsty Aunt,

            My husband moved out of our bedroom and is sleeping in the guestroom.  He claims I snore, when he does, and is still upset about me hitting him with a ‘Don’t’ sign.  I have found that I can no longer sleep without him beside him.  I’ve tried telling him I’m sorry.  He just kissed me and is still sleeping in the guest room.  What do I do?

            _Can’t Sleep in Kirkwall_

            Dear Can’t Sleep,

            Aveline, you hit your husband and he has a right to wait to forgive you until he’s ready to.  I suggest plugging your ears at night.  Soak cotton in soft wax and then stick them in your ears.  Ask Donnen, nicely, to do the same.  Soon you two will be able to sleep in the same room again.  Try also showing him how sorry you are.  You could give him a nice, adventurous, assignment at work.  You could also talk to a certain pirate friend and have her take you two out on a little cruise, where you could spend time alone.  Just don’t tell him that ‘It’s a nice night of an evening’ while strolling on the deck under the stars.

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

 

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I have been searching in the lands west of Orlais for a cure to undo the Grey Wardens’ joining.  It is for not just me, but my beloved husband.  He is truly the best man I know and I want to have a full life with him.  Now Inquisition agents have arrived and told me that they will be finishing the quest for me and that I need to go home.  I was going to refuse, and then they showed me an issue of _The Randy Dowager_ where a certain wonderful man in Ferelden has stated that he is suffering without his wife and has run out of cheese.  My mission is important, but it sounds as if I’m needed in Ferelden as well.  What do I do?  This quest is of vital importance.

            _Hunting Hero_

            Dear Hero,

            The Inquisition has recruited the best people in Thedas and Sister Nightingale knows how important your research is.  She won’t fail you.  Go home.  Take cheese.

            _Angsty Aunt_

P.S.  Dear readers, if any of you have information regarding possible ways to reverse the Grey Wardens Joining Ritual, please contact _Angsty Aunt_ at the _Randy Dowager_.  This quest is not just important to _Hunting Hero_ , but to many Grey Wardens.  _You_ could be the Hero of Thedas.

           

 

Dear Angsty Aunt,

            Just last night, I saw my handsome, wonderful commander running to his rooms.  He was stark naked.  It seems that he lost badly at a game of Wicked Grace.  Some of my colleagues are claiming that he did it to impress a girl.  I know who the girl is and she isn’t good enough for him.  How do I talk to him about this and make him see that there are better options?

            _The Sexiest Scout in Skyhold_

            Dear Scout,

            She’s good enough for him, trust me.

            _Angsty Aunt_

           

 

Varric had his suspicions about who the Scout was. Jim, that brown nosed git, followed Cullen around like a groupie. Whenever the Commander stopped without warning, that man almost lands face first up his leader’s backside. There must be a way to neutralize the idiot without riddling him with crossbow bolts. Tempest would probably disapprove of that.

            “We need to find out who this scout is,” Cassandra was standing behind him.  Varric wondered how long she’d been there.  “I don’t want him interfering with… well, you’re right.  Evie is good enough for Cullen and they both care for each other.  It’s obvious to everyone, but them.”

            He grinned at her.  “Yes, it is.  Do you want to help me plot out ways to help get them together?”

            “They’ll have to do that on their own, but finding ways to help them spend time together wouldn’t hurt.”  Cassandra bit her lip.  “This mission the Hero of Ferelden is on is obviously very important to her.  Do you think she’ll take your advice and go home?”

            “Nightingale is doing everything she can to find this cure for her,” Varric assured her.  “The Inquisition will have better luck than a small group of Wardens, even if one of them is the Hero of Ferelden.  Besides, she should be with her husband.  What good is the cure if they aren’t spending their lives together?”


	9. Heartbroken Tempest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A broody elf is in trouble, an ex-Warden has a secret, and rumors interfere with love.

Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I took your advice, now I’ve been captured by the Carta I went to steal the wine from.  Thanks a lot.

            _Brooding in Captivity_

P.S.  One of the dwarves is a fan of your advice column and that is why he agreed to send this note for me.

            Dear Brooding,

            Did you send the cake with the words ‘I’m sorry’ on it before you were captured?

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I was once a Grey Warden, but had the Joining undone.  I may be able to help _Hunting Hero_ from the last issue of your column.  However, there are some uncomfortable details around how I lost what made me a Grey Warden and there are some things that might come to light.  Should I contact her?  I truly believe that I can aid her quest.  Or should I protect my secrets?  They do involve others and information that was kept from them that they may not want to learn.

            _Secret Warden_

            Dear Secret,

            Yes, tell them!  Peoples’ lives are at stake.  I will send you my private contact information and we’ll sneak you all into Skyhold.  We can even dress you as Orlesians, no one will recognize you.  The masks are ugly and uncomfortable, possibly one reason the Orlesians all seem to be in a bad mood.

            _Angsty Aunt_

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I really like this handsome soldier who works with me, he’s a commander.  I think I’m in love.  We’ve talked and have played chess several times, where we have been able to get to know each other.  The other day, he lost badly at Wicked Grace and ended up losing not just his shirt, but the rest of his clothes as well.  He made me turn around before he fled.  I didn’t get to see him naked, but one of my friends, a rather virile Qunari, did.  Does that mean he doesn’t like me?  He’s all right with my friend seeing him, but not me.  Then I heard that he arranged to lose the game that badly to impress some girl.  I don’t know who she is.  I greatly care for him, more than care, but it seems he may be interested in someone else.  I thought he liked me, but I _am_ a mage and he’s a Templar.  Well, he’s an ex-Templar, but I can see where he might not be able to care for me because of my magic.  I don’t know what to do.

            _Heartbroken Tempest_

            Dear Tempest,

            Go talk to the man.  Ask him how he feels and whether your being a mage is holding him back.  Go to him and ask to talk to him in private.  If he starts talking about the weather, perhaps it being a real nice night for an evening, that is a good sign.  Then talk to him.  Make sure you talk to him about your relationship.

            _Angsty Aunt_

           

            Varric looked up from his copy of _The Randy Dowager_ at Cassandra, who had her own issue in front of her still.  The Seeker hadn’t bothered to read his column first.  She’d just walked in with it, sat down, and begun to read without a word.  He realized they were falling into a routine.

            Cassandra finally lowered the magazine.  “Does Evie really believe that Cullen is interested in someone else?  Who?  Josephine?”

            “Dorian?” Varric suggested.

            Cassandra made a disgusted sound.  “Don’t make me laugh.  The way he looks at her, it…”

            “It reminds me of a puppy,” Varric decided.  “He’s a lion in front of the men, but a puppy with the Inquisitor.  I don’t know how she doesn’t see it.”

            “Who do you think this Secret Warden is?”  Cassandra changed the subject.

            “I have a suspicion, but I don’t want to say anything and possibly scare her away,” Varric explained.  “I promise to tell you as soon as I’m sure she won’t flee like a rabbit.”

            “Fine, keep that secret,” Cassandra leaned forward.  “Are you going to save Fenris?  That is who Brooding in Captivity is, isn’t it?”

            “Oh, it is,” Varric knew that for certain.  “Do you think I should save him after he tried to kill Hawke and yours truly?  Besides, I don’t think I’ll need to.  I have twenty silvers that say someone else will do it for me.”

            “You expect me to gamble with my silver?”  Cassandra laughed.  “No, if no one goes to save them, you will immediately begin the next issue of _Swords and Shields_ and give me a sneak peek.  No, you will start a new series.  It will be one about Calenhad Theirin and his future queen, Mairyn.”

            “Very well,” Varric agreed.  He was sure he would win and wouldn’t have to start writing a new series.  What would he call it?  _Thrones and Moans_?  “And if I win, you will stand beside the Inquisitor’s throne and read your favorite scenes from _Swords and Shields_ to the entire Inquisition or you apologize publicly for abducting me, your choice.  Either way, you will be wearing a dress that Dorian has picked out.  It will be a new dress that Dorian and I will bring to you.  It will include a long, billowing scarf.”

            “Agreed,” Cassandra extended a hand.  Varric shook it.


	10. Angry Marcher

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three more letters are published with sterling advice and threats are made.

Dear Angsty Aunt,

I have a friend, let’s call him Dead Dwarf, who keeps reminding me that I was somewhat awkward while trying to court my beloved. I may have said something about “a nice night for an evening,” and I want him to stop. I may or may not have a job in law enforcement. Can you recommend a good place to hide his body?

_Angry Marcher_

 

Dear Marcher,

This Dead Dwarf sounds like a very handsome and charming man.  If you must hide his body, there is a wonderful tavern in Kirkwall called _The Hanged Man_.  Don’t worry about his condition, no one else in there will. Just put a pint in his hand and place him anywhere in the main room. 

 

Dear Angsty Aunt,

I used to be a werewolf, but then the Hero of Ferelden broke the curse.  However, I spent my youth as a half-wolf and I still have some of the urges.  I greatly desire to go outside during a full moon and howl at the sky, but I’m afraid to.  I also have a compulsion to chase after rabbits sometimes.

_Wolf at Heart_

 

Dear Wolf,

What is stopping you from howling at the moon?  I don’t suggest doing it in the nude if your neighbors live close to you.  We all have our little idiosyncrasies and yours hurts no one.  How to your heart’s content.  As for chasing rabbits, I suggest taking a bow along so your neighbors just think you’re hunting.  Or you could dress up in a cloak and look around suspiciously.  That way they just think you’re up to something and will have no idea that you are just acting out your wolfy desires.

_Angsty Aunt_

 

Dear Angsty Aunt,

I was going to take your advice and talk to the Ex-Templar I love, even though I’m a mage.  Just last night, however, I went to my room to decide what I should wear when I see him.  I wanted something he would find attractive and said I was a confident woman, without saying ‘I’m an evil, possessed blood mage who needs to be put down’.  I was shocked when one of my friends was waiting for me in my rooms and told me that he’d received my ‘signals’ and asked if I wanted to, and I’m quoting here, ‘want to ride the bull’.  Does that line work on other women?  I explained that I did not and that he was a valued friend and he apologized for the misunderstanding.  He was a gentleman about that and is still a valued friend, but this is after I was roguemanced by another friend.  Am I making advances without realizing it?  Am I giving off signals?  If they both thought I was interested in them, does that mean my ex-Templar is getting the same signal and is just not reciprocating?  What am I doing wrong?

_Heartbroken Tempest_

 

Dear Tempest,

Perhaps I should call you _Tempting Tempest_.  You are not doing anything wrong.  It’s called flirting, and you’re very good at it. These men know what a wonderful woman you are and can’t resist your charms. The simple fact is that one of them seems to have been without human interaction for too long and the other is too used to women throwing themselves at him.  That has to be the reason if that line works for him.  Yes, you still have to go talk to your Templar.  I have a feeling he may not be as daring as your two friends when it comes to matters of the hearts, even if he is when it comes to the battlefield.  I suspect you have a friend who is dazzling; perhaps a handsome dwarf even calls him ‘Sparkler’.  Have him pick out the outfit for you.

_Angsty Aunt_

 

Varric glanced up at Cassandra, who sat across from her.  She was still reading the magazine with a frown on her face.

“Pardon me!”  Dorian walked past, carrying a sapphire blue and ivory Free Marcher style dress and a sapphire necklace.  He stopped when he saw Varric.  “Have you seen Evie?  If not, I’ll just leave this in her rooms with a note.”

“She’s probably there right now, going over reports,” Varric assured him.

“Ride the Bull,” Dorian’s sigh was long and dramatic as he hurried off.  “Does that line really work for him?”

Varric waited until Dorian was gone before speaking again.  “I guess she doesn’t even have to ask for his help.”

Cassandra glanced up at him.  “He is quite fond of her.  He probably didn’t even bother to read your response.  He certainly knew who the letter was from.  I’m more concerned with this _Freemarcher_.  Is she really threatening you?  I would like to see her try to come here and hurt you.  I can promise you that she wouldn’t get past me.”

“She wouldn’t?”  Varric was surprised.  Was Cassandra willing to go toe to toe with Aveline for him?  Was she _protecting_ him?  He found he liked the idea.

“No,” Cassandra vowed.  “She wouldn’t.  I’m the only person who gets to threaten you.”


	11. Doing the Maker's Work

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The people of Thedas once again turn to Angsty Aunt to help them with their problems.

Dear Angsty Aunt,

            One of my neighbors is acting strangely.  He’s lived near me for almost ten years now and never caused any concern until recently.  Just a few nights ago, I heard a strange howling outside.  I followed the sound, and found him, looking up at the full moon.  He said he saw a strange creature howling at the moon, but it ran away when I got there.  My neighbor has also been out rabbit hunting, which isn’t strange, except he wears a dark cloak when he goes out and looks around suspiciously at first.  I think he may have joined the Qun and is one of those Ben Hassrath.  They have spies everywhere.

            _Nervous Neighbor_

            Dear Nervous,

            I can assure you that your neighbor is not Qun.  I have known my fair share of Ben Hassrath members and they try to blend in.  I would be more worried about the affable elf who likes to hang out at the tavern more than a neighbor who has a few quirks.  Ben Hassrath tend to try to blend in, and while there are human agents, more of them are elves.  If you’re worried, though, fear not.  I am sending you an advanced copy of my new book _Gone to Qun: How to Tell if Your Neighbors and Loved Ones are Qunari Spies_.  In it, I detail the different times I’ve met members of the Ben Hassrath and the observations I’ve made about them.  A former Ben Hassrath spy was consulted during the writing of the book and endorsed it.

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            My crewmates and I were on a hunt for a rumored ancient Alamarri treasure, when our admiral decided to turn our ship around.  She was muttering something about ‘Broody eyes needing to be saved again’.  Some of my shipmates, not me, want to mutiny and go back after the treasure.  I’m too scared to, but I don’t know how to ask the admiral what is going on.

            _Baffled Boatswain_

Dear Baffled,

            Please let your shipmates know that I highly discourage them from any attempted mutinies.  It wouldn’t go well.  Approach your admiral very carefully and bring plenty of rum.  Wait until she is heavily inebriated and pile on the compliments while you ask them about your new fun and daring mission.  I’d bet 100 sovereigns that, after she saves whoever needs saving, you’ll all go back for the treasure. Admirals are like that.

            _Angsty Aunt_

Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I took your suggestions and the clothes my Sparkling Tevinter friend chose for me and talked to my ex-Templar.  It went very well.  He admitted to having feelings for me, too, but then one of the scouts, I think his name is Jim, interrupted us.  I thought my Templar was going to return to his duties, but instead, he kissed me.  It was intense and magical.  His kisses leave me dizzy.  I just wanted to thank you for your advice and wanted everyone to know how well everything went.

            _Tempting Tempest_

Dear Tempest,

            Who knew a Templar could set a mage ablaze with his mere touch.  It humbles this handsome dwarf to know that he had a part in your story.  I am not saying that you two crazy kids couldn’t have gotten together on your own, but why take the chance.  I’m just touched to be doing the Maker’s work.

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            “Doing the Maker’s work?”  Cassandra made a disgusted sound.  She glanced at him from her magazine.  They were still meeting in the main hall of Skyhold and reading the magazine together.  “They would have gotten together on their own.  You merely gave them advice that they could have gotten from a handmaid.  And I don’t think anything could humble you.”

            “You do a good job a humbling me,” he muttered under his breath.

            “What was that?”  She leaned forward, the magazine still in her hand.

            “Nothing,” he put a hand to his chest.  I was just crushed by your faint praise.

            “As if,” she moved the magazine back up in front of her face only to set it down.  “I don’t know if you should be sending your book to poor Nervous Neighbor, now they’re going to think that half the patrons in their local tavern are Ben Hassrath.”

            “For all we know, they could be,” Varric countered.  “Besides, we should be more worried about what you are going to wear when one of Hawke’s friends saves Broody.”

            “I’ve seen no indication that they have made any efforts to rescue him,” Cassandra frowned.

            “I have,” Varric assured her.  “I hope you pick the steamy parts.”


	12. Sometimes Swooping isn't Bad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angsty Aunt dishes out yet more advice.

Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I don’t need advice as much as I just wanted to tell you thank you and talk to your readers.  Swooping is bad or so I always thought.  That was until my wife came swooping back from her mission in the West.  She swooped back into my life and even brought cheese with her!  I had missed her so much that I hadn’t even realized she had the cheese at first.  She is the most wonderful thing in Thedas and I am a lucky man.  So, let your readers know that sometimes, swooping isn’t so bad.

            _Sometimes Swooping Isn’t Bad_

Dear Swooping,

            I am delighted to know that you and your wife are back together.  It humbles this modest dwarf knowing that I had a part in it.  I hope any other swooping in your life is just as happy.

            _Angsty Aunt_

           

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            My wife recently received a cake that said ‘I’m sorry’ on it.  It was even a chocolate cake with mint in it.  I suspect that I know who it is from, although I had thought him dead until recently.  The man who sent it to her had a romantic encounter one night, but then tried to kill her a few years later.  I have forgiven my wife for their indiscretion, but I will never trust him, but he has gotten himself in a bind and she wants to go rescue him.  How can I talk her out of her foolishness?

            _Handsome Healer_

Dear Healer,

            Indiscretion my eye.  There was nothing to forgive for that night.  You and your wife were not together then.  If you are telling a woman that ‘We can’t be together’ and ‘I will only hurt you’, she can have however many romantic encounters with whomever she wants.  She’s a free agent.  As for talking her out of saving the ex-friend who tried to kill her, along with you and her handsome dwarven best friend, you can try. You should remember that no one ever talked her out of anything she wanted to do.  Just go with her and watch her back.

        

              _Angsty Aunt_

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I don’t want to learn to play the harp, but my mother is insisting.  I told her I want to grow up and be a mighty warrior like the Hero of Ferelden and the Inquisitor.  She says that’s fine, and father is getting me a swords master, but that I’m also a lady and I have to learn to play an appropriate instrument.  I have had a few lessons and I do like playing it, it relaxes me.  A warrior shouldn’t be relaxed, though.  What do I do?

            _Lady or the Hero_

            Dear Lady and Hero,

            Queen Elissa, the Hero of Ferelden, plays the harp.  Your mother is right and you can do both.  Listen to your parents and eat your vegetables.

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            Varric glanced over at Cassandra.  Her copy of _The Randy Dowager_ was held in her right hand as she held a glass of red wine.  They sat at a small table in a secluded corner of _The Herald’s Rest_.  She glanced up at him, smiled, and then back down at the magazine.  After some time she spoke.  “I wouldn’t be surprised if Queen Elissa really does play the harp.”

            “She does,” Varric confirmed.  “I discovered that little trivia while doing research for my book about the Fifth Blight.  It looks like she’s back in Denerim.”

            “It does sound like the first letter is from King Alistair,” Cassandra agreed.  “I can’t argue against you having a part in the royal reunion, but I wouldn’t call you humble.”

            “I’m as humble as any Chantry Sister,” Varric took a drink of his own pint.

            Cassandra snorted and set her glass down.  “Of that I am certain. I know too many Chantry sisters.  Ask Leliana about some of the ones from the Lothering Chantry.”

            “Does the second letter worry you at all?”  He pressed.

            “It _could_ be from Anders,” she conceded.  “He is a healer and the cake could be a clue that it is Hawke who is thinking of going to rescue an ex-friend.  However, we can’t be sure yet.”

            “Dorian already has your dress picked out,” Varric leaned back, exposing even more of his gloriously hairy chest.  “You should see the scarf he has to go with it.  Well, I guess you will see it as soon as Rivain or Hawke, or possibly both of them, rescue Broody.  I hope you have your passages picked out.”           


	13. Do what Hawke Says

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angsty Aunt is there, once again, for the good citizens of Thedas.

Dear Angsty Aunt,

            It has come to my attention that the last time I played Wicked Grace with my friends; they may not have been playing honestly.  There is evidence that at least one of them purposely lost to me.  How do I know if I can trust them anymore?  How can I be sure the money, and other items, that I won are not ill-gotten games?

            _Distrusting Damsel_

            Dear Damsel,

            I am shocked that you are upset at winning a card game.  I have friends who regularly cheat at cards, some even pretend to not be the card sharks they really are, and learned that the important thing is that you had a good time with those friends.  I don’t recommend letting them literally lose the shirt off their back, along with the rest of their clothes, unless everyone is getting naked, though.  If you really want a rematch just arrange a game with your friends again.  You can even get your handsome dwarf friend, which I assume you have, to arrange it.  Just be careful you aren’t the one to lose your shirt this time.

            _Angsty Aunt_

  1. All money won at cards is, by definition, ill-gotten gains. That’s never stopped anyone from playing. Take the money and buy yourself something nice.



           

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I traveled hundreds of miles to save a friend, let’s call him Broody Eyes.  As I was planning the rescue with a large group of friends, I ran into another acquaintance of Broody Eyes who was also there to rescue him, along with her husband and their cat.  She started taking over the rescue plans, claiming that she has more experience in these things.  The last time she was in charge of a rescue plan, an entire city burned down around us, a Circle Enchanter resorted to blood magic, and a Templar Commander was turned into a big red statue.  She says the only way I can plan the rescue is if you back me and she keeps reminding me of a few jobs I’ve done that… had some complications.

            _Amazing Admiral_

            Dear Admiral,

            Do what Hawke says.  She won’t lead you wrong and will still let you take the stuff of the people you kill.

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I am a strong, intelligent member of a Carta.  However, I have encountered a problem that I’m not sure how to solve.  We’ve been keeping an elf prisoner for some time now.  By ‘we’, I mean my Carta.  He tried to steal from us and we should have killed him immediately, but he has strange lyrium markings all along his skin that glow when he’s upset.  Gimli thinks we should kill him already, but Tyrion wants to use him on missions.  He would aid in sneaking through underground tunnels.  As for me, I just love listening to his deep voice and looking at his handsome features.  He broods all the time and is so deep.  He came to steal our wine, but he has stolen my heart.  Should I pursue a relationship with a prisoner or should I just kill him now so I can stop feeling this way?

            _Conflicted Carta_

            Dear Conflicted,

            I know that love comes from unexpected places.  As long as you aren’t selling elves into slavery, you should be fine.  I have a feeling that your prisoner hates slavers and mages; since you’re a dwarf I know you aren’t the latter.  So go for it, you crazy kid, pursue a romance with your prisoner.  It isn’t like he can literally run from you.

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            Cassandra made a disgusted sound.  Varric was sitting with her on a balcony overlooking Skyhold’s courtyard.  Their heads were close together and they were reading from the same issue of _The Randy Dowager_.  “If the prisoner is Fenris, he’s going to break her heart.”

            “We can’t be sure of that,” Varric objected.  “Doesn’t even a crazy, homicidal elf with anger management issues deserve love?”

            “Of course he does,” Cassandra agreed.  “It looks like he’s about to be rescued, though.  This means…”

            “Dorian already has your outfit ready,” Varric tried not to crow.  “You need to pick out your passages to read to the Inquisition.”

            “There you are.”  The pair turned to see Josephine and Dorian behind them.  Dorian held a long, red dress for Cassandra, along with a long gold scarf and a ruby bracelet.  Josephine held a deck of cards.


	14. The Color of Fertile Grass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three Thedosian citizens seek help from Angsty Aunt as they face personal crises. Meanwhile, Cassandra reads from Swords and Shields.

Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I am a member of a powerful Carta, yet I have been humbled and need your help.  There is a woman in my Carta who is magnificent.  Her mother should have been made a Paragon for creating her.  Let’s call her Rose, for she is more beautiful than any flower I’ve ever seen. I am in love.  We had a good relationship and I was wooing her.  Then my Carta leader, Tyrian decided to take an elf prisoner instead of killing him.  The elf was nothing special.  Yes, his voice was deep and he had turned brooding into an art form, but there was nothing to attract an intelligent woman like my Rose.  Several days ago, a bunch of pirates, led by the Champion of Kirkwall, broke into our headquarters and freed the overly broody prisoner.  They also took several cases of wine.  My Rose has gone after them, to get the brooder back.  Should I chase after her?  How do I make her remember what we once had?

            _Crying Carta_

            Dear Crying,

            Let her go.  If your love is true and truly returned, she will find her way back to you.  Just be there when she finds out that real life isn’t like _Swords and Shields_ , which you can find at your local bookstore.

 

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            My wife and I met with a former Grey Warden recently, to find out how she managed to not be a Grey Warden anymore.  I found out some disturbing things about myself that I didn’t know.  I’m not even sure who I am anymore.  My wife says I’m still the same wonderful person I’ve always been and these new revelations don’t change who I am on the inside.

            _Identity Crisis_

            Dear Crisis,

            You should always listen to your wife.  She’s right. What you’ve done with your life matters more than where you came from. Your wife sounds like a wonderful and wise woman who loves you and can kick your enemies’ asses.  She is also likely to be the one that orders all the cheese. Happy wife, happy life.

            _Angsty Aunt_

Dear Angsty Aunt,

            While fighting The Battle of Adamant, I ended up in the Fade.  Since then I have been plagued by nightmares and am having trouble sleeping.  Do you have any ideas that could help me?  
            _Sleepless in Skyhold_

Dear Sleepless,

            Try Valerian root, chamomile, and Neroli.  I would also suggest bringing lavender into your home.  Perhaps burn dried lavender in your fireplace.  Bathing in lavender and rose petals would also be nice, but is expensive.  I can get you a deal if you send me your private information.

            _Angsty Aunt_

Varric leaned back.  He was satisfied with the last batch of published letters.  He now sat in _The Herald’s Rest._   He had slightly altered his bet with Cassandra and moved her reading to a place with more discerning potential readers.  She now stood in the middle of the room with a copy of the latest issue of _Sword and Shields_ in front of her.  She wore a flowy dress and the matching scarf moved in the breeze created by the open door.  Cabot felt that more people could hear her if he left the door open.

            “Avangeline’s large bosom heaved as she ran into her office,” Cassandra read.  “Thank goodness her good friend, the beautiful and valiant Marianna was helping to defend her against those terrible, horrible false accusations.  She knew that if anyone could help her, the magnificent Marianna could.”

            “Donaven, her handsome and virile guard turned lover rushed in behind her and locked her door,” Cassandra continued.  Her hand went to her own bosom and fluttered a bit.  It was the first time Varric had noticed she had a nice… chest… of her own.  It was usually covered by armor. “‘Avangeline, my love, I know you are innocent.  What can I do to help comfort you, my copper magnolia?’ ‘I am capable of taking care of myself,’ Avangeline declared.  ‘I am a strong woman, but your arms do bring me comfort.  Your arms… and other things.’  Avangeline gasped as Donavan grabbed her masterfully and crushed his mouth to hers.  His hands were everywhere as their tongues battled for ultimate control and their bodies began to signal that they must become one.  Donavan tore her cloak, which was the color of fertile grass, from her shoulders…”  Cassandra continued to read about her guard captain’s amorous encounter with her favorite guard, her chinks pinked.

            Varric was pleased with how raptly those in the tavern were listening to her.  He was also surprised at how much he enjoyed hearing his words on Cassandra’s lips.


	15. Tailored Tempest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thedosians prepare for the Orlesian Peace Talks.

Dear Angsty Aunt,

Very soon, the organization I work for will be going to Orlais to attend the peace talks. There is a shop there that specializes in dolls based on people, and I really want to get some. Do you have any suggestions on how to get them back home without anyone else knowing? I'm not at all ashamed of my collection; I just don't want anyone to assume, incorrectly, that I play with them.

_A Collector_

Dear Collector,

There is no reason to be ashamed of your hobby.  Be proud, even if you do play with them.  If you truly don’t want anyone to know you have them while you travel you might want to hire someone with… skills… of discretion and intrigue to carry them for you, for a small fee of course; perhaps a trusty dwarf or a fun-loving elf.  Do they make nug dolls?  If so, perhaps a spymaster’s help can be obtained.

_Angsty Aunt_

 

Dear Angsty Aunt,

I am going to the peace talks in Orlais.  My organization’s ambassador is insisting that we all dress in our dress uniforms, which means we will all be wearing the same thing, even if it isn’t flattering.  I don’t think I’m special, but I will be going on the arm of a duke and I believe I should wear something appropriate for a lady and not just a cog in a wheel.  What do you think?  I believe the ambassador would be more cooperative if it is written by you.

_Tailored Tempest_

Dear Tempest,

You are right, the Orlesians would respect you more if you tried to stand out rather than blend in.  It is better for those who are accompanying you to all appear identical to the eyes of those outside your organization.  That will allow you to move your own pawns on your chessboard.  The queen, however, must stand out.  Perhaps a gown with a split overskirt that allows you to move freely that is merely the same color as the organization’s dress uniforms.

_Angsty Aunt_

 

Dear Angsty Aunt,

I am being forced to go to a ball in Orlais.  My wife says we need to play nice with the Orlesians.  We do go every year and spend our time making fun of their masks.  Some become rather scandalized that we bring our dog with us, he’s a fierce mabari warrior, which is good fun.  My wife says that I can’t challenge people to dance-offs this year or bring paints and paint on the Orlesians’ masks when they pass out, as I have done the two years she was gone on a secret mission.  How do I convince my wife to let me have my fun?

_Swooping Ferelden_

Dear Swooping,

Drawing on Orlesians’ masks when they pass out does seem like a lot of fun and a dance-off would make Orlesian balls more entertaining.  Secretly take your paints and if the evening is dull, which I don’t think it will be this year, I’m sure your wife would love to join in on your fun.

_Angsty Aunt_

“I don’t mind the dress uniforms, I just don’t want to go to the peace talks,” Cassandra spoke from beside Varric.  They were sitting on a bench in Skyhold’s garden, reading from the same copy of _The Randy Dowager_.  It had been Varric who suggested they read together and in the garden, but Cassandra had readily agreed.

“Someone plans to assassinate Empress Celene there,” he reminded her.

“The peace talks should be around a table with those involved,” Cassandra insisted.  “They shouldn’t be a large ball where people are moving about unchecked and any number of them could be hiding a dagger in their ridiculous outfits.”

“That means you have more people to glare at and suspect of nefarious plans,” he argued.  “You seem to like doing that.  I bet you’ll get to bash someone with your shield, perhaps even punch them.”

“Now you’re just trying to make me feel better,” she accused.

“I’ll be there with you,” he added.

“Now you’re trying to make me feel worse.”  Her voice was light-hearted, though.

“Perhaps you can even save me a dance,” he added, giving her a sideways look.

Her chinks pinked.  “I don’t often dance… but I can.  Perhaps I will.”

 


	16. Disgusted on the Road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new trio of letters have been answered by Angsty Aunt.

          Dear Angsty Aunt, 

Recently I reunited with my former girlfriend. We've been working together to make Orlais a better place for all. It's difficult because, although we love each other, there are things in our past that keep us from trusting each other. She murdered my parents, and I led a network of spies that tried to overthrow her. How can we start to trust each other again?

_An Orlesian in Love_

            Dear Orlesian

            It is going to take time.  I understand that relationships can be hard when a family gets involved.  I know what it is like to have a girlfriend whose family has tried to kill you.  It does get tiring.  You need to reestablish the trust between you.  I suggest finding time to be alone and talk.  Remind each other why your love has endured despite your mistakes in your previous relationship.  Then show each other that you can each now count on the other.  Use your network of spies together against mutual enemies; don’t murder each other’s family members again.  This time you might be able to make this work.

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I was in Halamshiral recently.  I met the most handsome man at a ball.  He is charming and has the most alluring scar on his lip and a bum you could bounce a gold coin off of.  I want to send him an offer of marriage and perhaps an alliance for his organization with my father, Duke Beaumont.  My mother insists that I should go to Skyhold and get to know this man better first, but if I wait someone else might scoop him up.

            _A Lady in Love_

            Dear Lady,

            You can not fall in love and marry someone you just met.  I believe I know who you mean.  Your clues were enough.  Save your time and money. He’s been scooped up already.

            _Angsty Aunt_

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

             I live in a group situation, and one of the brutes I have to spend time with rarely bathes. It is, to be honest, revolting. Two nights ago, I was on an upper floor in a tavern, and I threw a bar of soap at the beast. My aim, usually perfect, as is the rest of me... Well, my arm was bumped, and the soap got stuck on his horn. Yes, he's a Qunari, get over it. I saw him today, sparring with his second in command, and the oaf still has it stuck there. It's ridiculous. How can I get him to take the soap off his horn and use it in the manner the Maker intended?

            Yours,

_Disgusted on the Road._

            Dear Disgusted,

            Perhaps you could demonstrate for him how to use the soap.  Next time you go to take a bath, invite him to join you so you can instruct him on how to bathe properly.  If this suggestion doesn’t appeal to you, perhaps you could just stand on a balcony and wait for him to walk by.  When he does, dump a barrel of hot water on him.  At least then some of the soap should get on other parts of him.

            “So that’s how the soap got on Iron Bull’s horn,” Cassandra set down her copy of _The Randy Dowager_.  They were once again in the gardens.  This time they sat on a blanket with strawberries and wine between them.  The wine had been Varric’s idea, but Cassandra had provided the strawberries.

            “I had wondered, too,” Varric admitted.  “I have bets going on how long it will take before he notices.  A kitchen maid and chantry sister have both invited him to bathe with them, but he still hasn’t caught on.”

            “He knows it’s there,” Cassandra’s voice was confident.  “He’s playing with Dorian’s head.  He also likes hot baths with violets or frangipani in it.”

            “What about you?”  Varric studied her face.  “Do you like long hot baths?”

            She nodded.  “Especially with rose petals, scented candles, and a good book.”  She gave a little cough.  “Did Bianca’s family really try to kill you?”

            “More than once,” he admitted.

            “Mine wouldn’t,” she gave him a sidelong glance and then bit into a strawberry.


	17. Hexed in Halamshiral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Truly, Thedas could not do without Angsty Aunt's wonderest advice.

Dear Angsty Aunt.

            I have read _Gone to Qun_ and _The Tale of the Champion_.  I think the cute redheaded elf who hangs out in my tavern may secretly be Ben Hassrath.  Her name is Tallis and she carries two long daggers.  She’s quite friendly, perhaps too friendly, and likes to strike up conversations with both the locals and travelers.  I have included a sketch of the elf in question.  I look forward to your new series _Ben Hassnot_ about a former Ben Hassrath member who leaves the Qun and now serves the side of the Maker.

            _Troubled Tavern keeper_

            Dear Troubled,

            Normally, I would tell you that an overly friendly elf is not necessarily a spy.  However, looking at your sketch, I can tell you that the elf in question is Ben Hassrath.  I am enclosing a signed copy of _Ben Hassnot_.  Share it with your friends.

            _Angsty Aunt_

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I attended the peace talks in Halamshiral.  When I returned home, I noticed that strange markings had appeared on my mask.  I went to a local wise woman and she told me that it is an ancient curse upon my house.  She believes she can lift the curse, but it will take time and money.  What do I do?  


            _Hexed in Halamshiral_

Dear Hexed,

            Pay the woman.  No one needs a curse.

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

             The man I love took me to his home village and to the lake where he used to go to as a boy.  It was so romantic and sweet.  He gave me his good luck charm and I feel as if it is the Maker’s own protection.  I want to give him something in return.  Do you have any suggestions for a military-minded man from Ferelden?  He spent some time in Kirkwall as well.  I have thought of perhaps new boots or a sword, but they don’t seem personal enough.  I grew up in the circle, so I don’t have a token to equal his.

            _Tempest_

Dear Tempest,

            Does he have a signed copy of _Hard in Hightown_?  Perhaps he’d enjoy a copy of _Ben Hassnot_.  If not, I suggest something that only you could give him.  Perhaps something you use your magic to create.  Capture a piece of your own storm in a ball for him or make a painting.  Something that comes from you and your heart.

            _Angsty Aunt_

            “The Orlesian isn’t cursed,” Cassandra commented.  They were once again in the gardens.  This time they had a full picnic in front of them as they curled up on a blanket, reading from the same copy of _The Randy Dowager_.  Why didn’t you tell them the truth?  You saw King Alistair and Queen Elissa with those paints.”

            “The village wise woman needs to make a living doesn’t she?”  Varric threw up his hands.  “I’m not going to get in her way.  She knows a mark when she sees one and Hexed was foolish enough to pass out at an Orlesian ball.”

            “You have a point about passing out at the ball,” she conceded.  “What about Tallis, don’t you feel some guilt about outing her?”

            “She outed herself by acting suspiciously. If she were that good, no one would have noticed,” Varric reminded her. “Besides, she dragged Hawke to Chateau Haine without me, and almost got her killed. She’s not a friend of mine.”

            “Point taken,” Cassandra huffed.  She picked up a cracker and bit into it.

            “Tempest is wearing that coin Curly gave her around her neck,” Varric gossiped.

            “I saw,” Cassandra took a sip of wine.  “It’s sweet.  I look forward to seeing what she makes for him.”


	18. Asking For a Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank the Maker the people of Thedas have Angsty Aunt to answer their questions for them.

Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I have taken your wonderful advice and made my love a clear ball with lightning trapped inside.  It is rather fascinating to watch the lightning patterns.  He loves it and I think you for your wonderful council.  Now I was wondering if there was a way to send such a device to one’s enemies and trap it so it breaks when they open it and sends a lightning bolt up their… behinds.

            _Tempest_

 

            Dear Tempest,

            I would suggest taking the idea to your local arcanist.  I have a feeling she would love to work on how to implement such an idea.

            _Angsty Aunt_

           

             Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I have read your last column and am concerned.  Like Hexed in Halamshiral, I too had had strange markings on my mask after the ball celebrating Orlais’ peace talks.  Might I also be cursed?  What should I do?

            _Mortified in Mont-de-Glace_

         

    Dear Mortified,

            I have an associate who can come and investigate the situation for you, for a small fee of course.  It’s best we don’t take chances.

            _Angsty Aunt_

             Dear Angsty Aunt,

            A friend of mine has been in a relationship with a woman who is not good enough for him for many years.  She has put him in danger more than once and even married another.  She has gone so far as to have revealed the location of Thaig infested with red lyrium to Corypheus, she even gave the madman a key, and then expected my friend, along with our associates, to clean up her mess.  She then dared threaten one of his closest companions, one that could have used her very formidable magic to expunge this woman from Thedas.  She keeps hurting him and he just keeps going back for more.  He has many great qualities and, frankly, he is too good for her.  How do I make him see that he is wasting himself on this woman and should move on?

            _Asking for a Friend_

            Dear Asking,

            Interfering in that relationship could do more harm than good and destroy the friendship you were building with the man in question.  Unless you can mend what is broken, staying out of it would be best.  Rarely can one pick who they love, but they can keep out of others’ business.

            _Angsty Aunt_

            “They can stay out of their business?”  Cassandra read the last line.  Her lips thinned and Varric thought she might put a dagger through the copy of _The Randy Dowager_.  They were once again in the middle of Skyhold’s gardens, enjoying fruit and wine.  “I thought we… never mind what I thought.”  She glanced at the wine glass in her hand and threw it at Varric’s face before rising gracefully to her feet.

            “Look, Cass… Seeker…” He began.  He hadn’t been happy when he suspected she was referring to his relationship with Bianca.

            “Bianca is a she-demon,” Cassandra declared.  “She is a selfish shrew who threatened Evie when the Inquisitor was cleaning up her mess.  I can’t see you waste yourself on her anymore.”  She marched away.

            Varric sighed and used one of the magazine’s pages to wipe off his face.  She wasn’t the first to criticize his advice, but no one had done so so personally.


	19. Coming to Ask Questions and Kick Ass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Angsty Aunt Answers more questions. A guest is coming to Skyhold and Cassandra is still not talking to Varric.

Dear Angsty Aunt,

            My Keeper has picked another for his First.  He says I’m not ready yet, but the new First is as sneaky as Fen’Harel and as devoted to secret-keeping as Dirthamen.  He’s also as graceful as a drunk newborn halla.  I can not stay with my clan with this incompetent nadorhuan.  What should I do?

            _Done with Dalish_

            Dear Done,

            The Inquisition would always welcome elves and mages.  Join them and help save the world.

            _Angsty Aunt_

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I have received a couple of letters from some friends I met while at Skyhold.  One is from someone I found I have a great deal in common with; we are both mages and have had to deal with a lot of responsibility.  The other is from a Seeker who made me tell her all of my stories and promised not to go after my husband for, well, blowing up a building.  Both were concerning someone that my best friend said was a crossbow.  I thought this person would always have my back, although, he did betray me once while we were in the Fade.  Now should I write this friend and demand to know the truth and why he lied to me or should I confront him in person and kick his ass?

            _Coming to Ask Questions and Kick-Ass_

Dear Coming,

            I’m sure your friend would love to see you, no matter what the circumstances.

            _Angsty Aunt_

Dear Angsty Aunt,

            There is a girl I really like.  I even stand on a chair in the tavern where I like to hang out, so I can get a better look at her.  I don’t know how to approach her, though.  I’ve been busy dealing with other issues in my life and there is a war going on.  Still, I would like to get to know her better.

            _Resisting in the Rest_

            Dear Resisting,

            Buy the girl a drink and ask her how her day has been.  Instead of standing on a chair to get a better look, which sounds dangerous, try moving the chair closer to her, and sitting in it as the Maker intended.

            _Angsty Aunt_

            Varric set the copy of _The Randy Dowager_ down.  He was sitting alone at a table in _The Herald’s Rest_.  Even now he could see Krem standing on his chair and followed his gaze.  Ah, it was Maryden that Bull’s second in command was infatuated with.  He supposed that he could go over and help him.  Perhaps he could recruit Cole to get the pair to talk.  He just wasn’t up doing it himself.  He hated to admit how much he missed his conversations with Cassandra after they read the latest batch of letters that he had chosen to answer.

He wondered if she were secretly reading them somewhere else in Skyhold.  He hoped so, but that didn’t make him miss her less.  _He missed the Seeker_.  That was a scary thought, but it was true.  It wasn’t just debating his opinion, either.  She didn’t talk to him when they were on missions either, not really anyway.  She was courteous, but even cooler than she had been when she first dragged him from Kirkwall to Haven.

Tempest also seemed a bit put out with him, but not to the degree Cassandra was.  She had just shaken her head a moment and then announced that he might need to ask Angsty Aunt for some advice himself.  She could have Leliana take over the column for an issue or two.  He had asked why she didn’t suggest he talk to Sister Nightingale, but Tempest insisted that since Cassandra had dared express her feelings, and her worry, publicly, he had to do the same. 

He had even gone so far as to write the head publisher of _The Randy Dowager_ and asked her opinion.  He was still waiting for the Dowager’s decision.


	20. Dazed Dwarf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone who is not Varric may be answering this week's letters.

Dear Angsty Aunt,

I believe my boyfriend may be cheating on me, what should I do?

_Suspicious in Starkhaven_

 

Dear Suspicious,

I recommend following him, using stealth and cunning, so he doesn’t realize you are watching him.  How are you at blending into shadows?  Continue to secretly spy on his comings and goings until you are either satisfied with his faithfulness or you catch the deceitful double-crosser in the act.  If you do catch him with his paramour, I suggest using a serpentstone or bloodstone dagger on them.  Make their deaths quick, to avoid a mess, but let them know it was you who exacted your revenge.  As you live in Starkhaven, either dump their bodies into the river or leave them out as a warning to any others who might think of being unfaithful or trying to steal your man.  If you do the latter, make sure you can not be implicated in their deaths.

_Angsty Aunt_

 

Dear Angsty Aunt,

I believe that I may be pregnant.  My husband and I have wanted a child for a long time and this would be a most welcome blessing.  Should I wait to tell him until I’m sure or do I tell him now?  If I do tell him now, how do I?  I want something romantic, but not too romantic in case I’m wrong.

_Delighted in Denerim_

 

Dear Delighted,

Shouldn’t you be telling your best friend first?  You’ve cried on her shoulders enough times about this and she might know healers who could tell you for sure whether or not you are expecting.  Wait until you are sure before telling your husband.  You don’t want to get all of Denerim excited if it is a false alarm.

_Angsty Aunt_

 

Dear Angsty Aunt,

A friend of mine, one who may be more dear to me than I realized, was trying to find a way to tell me that she doesn’t approve of a relationship I’m in.  I told her not to interfere if she couldn’t help improve on the situation.  I do care for the woman I am in a relationship with.  Let’s call her B.  C, my friend, doesn’t like B and thinks I’m better off without her.  I can’t help how I feel, and I don’t think C can help solve things.  Now C won’t talk to me.  I once thought that would be a good thing, but it isn’t.  I realize that I greatly miss C’s company.  How do I get C to talk to me again?  What do I say to her about B?

_Dazed Dwarf_

 

Dear Dazed,

It is time for you to evaluate why you are missing C’s company so much.  Do you miss B when she isn’t around or when you haven’t talked in a long time?  My sources say you have gone months without talking to B.  You need to apologize to C and a gift would be helpful, something only you can give her, perhaps.  Something that you know will bring a smile to her face.

_Angsty Aunt_

 

“You told me that Bianca was just the name of your crossbow.”  Varric’s best friend sat behind him as they overlooked Skyhold from one of its turrets.

“I…”  Varric wasn’t sure why he’d never told Marian Hawke about Bianca.  Probably because Marian would have hunted Bogdan Vasca, Bianca’s husband down, so he and Bianca could be together.  That would have just brought House Davri down on her.  Then she’d be forced to wipe out the entire house and that would make Bianca sad.  “It’s complicated.”

“Am I not your best friend?”  Marian regarded him with a steely gaze that told him if he said no, she’d throw him off the turret.  It was a good thing she was his best friend.

“Of course you are,” he assured her.  “It’s just…”

“Good,” she leaned against the stone wall.  “If you couldn’t tell me about Bianca, then you shouldn’t be with her.”

“Technically, I’m not,” Varric defended himself.

“Then move on,” Marian insisted.  “It’s too late for us, but…”

“What are you thinking?”  Cassandra stormed onto the turret.  She stopped when she saw Marian.  “Hawke… I…”

“Cassandra, it’s good to see you,” Marian gave a little laugh.  “I never thought I’d say that to a Seeker.”

“Varric, if I didn’t know better, I would say Leliana wrote your column for you this month,” she shook the magazine at him.  Then she narrowed her eyes.  “She did, didn’t she?  That’s the only explanation for the advice given to Suspicious in Starkhaven.”

“I… Hawke’s here,” Varric indicated Marian.  “And I’m working on a project, a writing project that is taking priority right now.”

“Your story can’t excuse…”  She stopped for a moment.  “Is it a new issue of _Swords and Shields_?”

“Not exactly,” he fidgeted.  “It’s something new.  I promise that I’ll write the next batch of letters back.”

“Cassandra,” Marian put an arm around the Seeker.  “I think we should talk.”  She led Cassandra away.

The last thing Varric heard was, “You did know that Varric is a moron… Right?”

 


	21. Paranoid and Concerned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our handsome dwarf is once again answering his own letters. Well, most of them.

Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I have been patiently awaiting my love’s return from her foolish quest to find that broody elf she thinks she is in love with.  I now worry about her and don’t think I can stand seeing her waste herself on him anymore.  What can I do?

            _Concerned Carta_

Dear Concerned,

            Why are you waiting for her?  Go after her and this elven rival.  Do not let him stand in the way of your happiness.  When you find him, give him the choice to get out of your way.  If he does not, I would recommend using an obsidian dagger on him.

            _Angsty Aunt_

          

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I’m concerned about you.  Your last column sounded less like the handsome dwarf behind our concerned and angsty aunt, and more like a friend of mine who is a chantry sister who likes to stab and shoot things.  Let’s call her L.  Are you all right or should I send soldiers to check up on you?

            _A Concerned Friend_

           

            Dear Concerned,

            I was, indeed, not myself last time.  I had a friend visiting and a semi-personal matter that I need to see to.  Rest assured that I am myself this time.  I appreciate your concern.  I would also like to advise Suspicious in Starkhaven to not kill her boyfriend.

            _Angsty Aunt_

         

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I believe my daughter may be the Anti-Andraste.  I love her very much, but I have reasons for my fears.  What do I do?

            _Paranoid Parent_

            Dear Paranoid,

            I had never heard of the Anti-Andraste and had to ask some of my associates, a Seeker and Ex-Templar, about this.  So she will lead the faithful away from the teachings of Andraste and will be the Bride of a powerful demon.  That sounds like she will have many followers and a lot of power.  Are you faithful Andrastians?  If so, have a reverend mother speak with her privately to see if your fears are founded.  Otherwise, embrace the power and prestige that your child will bring to your family. 

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

Varric looked up from the latest issue of _The Randy Dowager_ and found Cassandra and Hawke both regarding him with raised eyebrows.  He had started reading, by himself, in the main hall, but now found the two women standing side by side in front of him.

            “I didn’t answer that first letter,” he insisted.  “Leliana must have intercepted some of the letters so she could continue answering them.”  He stood.  “I think I need to go talk to her at once.”

            “Ask her to check out Paranoid Parent’s daughter as well,” Cassandra suggested.  “Have her send a scout out, one with Chantry training, to check on the girl; just to be safe.”

            “There is no such thing as the Anti-Andraste,” Hawke assured her.

            “It wouldn’t hurt to see what has the parent worried,” Varric decided.  He rushed to find Nightingale and to confront her about her fondness for suggesting knives.

            As he approached the rookery, he realized he wasn’t the only one who knew she’d answered the first letter.  He heard Ruffles “Niceness before knives, Leliana!” 

           


	22. I'm in the Book

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angsty Aunt has more advise and Varric has started a new series.

           Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I have recently seen the best healer in Ferelden and she confirmed that I am with child.  My husband and I have wanted this baby for years now.  How do I tell him that I’m expecting?

            _Finally Fertile in Ferelden_

Dear Fertile,

            I am happy to hear such wonderful news.  I recognized the bird that brought the letter to me, so I should be able to give you some advice on what I know about you and the lucky father.  I suggest having carpenters make a replica of your home.  Put a little nursery in the replica, where ever you plan to put your own nursery.  In the replica, put a doll with some touches that make it obvious that it is your husband.  Then have one of you made.  Perhaps a little head ornament and two swords.  Put a little baby doll in the nursery.  See how long it takes your husband to figure it out.  Perhaps you might want to place a little family of griffons, parents and an infant, beside the doll house.  I know you are both fond of griffons.  Dress them to look like you two and the expectant little one. 

            _Angsty Aunt_

       

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            My wife was recently found murdered in our bed, along with her lover.  They were both killed with a serpentstone dagger that was left at the scene of the crime.  I was gone that night, drinking with some friends and I came home and found them.  Now I’m being accused of their murder.  The room was made to appear as if I had flown into a fit of rage and tore everything up before stabbing them both.  I am, however, innocent.  What do I do?

            _Set up in Starkhaven_

            Dear Set Up,

            I know the Prince of Starkhaven he’s an Andrastian fearing man.  Perhaps too fearing.  I don’t know the Captain of the Guards, but I am not sure this will go well for you.  You have to courses of action here.  Either find the real killer or join the Grey Wardens.  There are Grey Wardens stationed in Skyhold.  Please, feel free to come and meet with them.

            _Angsty Aunt_

         

            Dear Readers,

            I gave some advice to one of you that I must now question.  I advised her to stay out of a friend’s business.  She was concerned about his relationship with a woman she does not approve of.  It has been made clear to me by a couple of friends that I hold dear, that it was not sound advice in this situation.  Her friend should be grateful that she cares so much about him and listen to her concerns.  I don’t know if he can change his situation, but I hope he does.  To make up for this misunderstanding, and to show her how much I care.  I am happy to release a new series for her and for all of my devoted readers.  _Thrones and Moans_ has been sent to my publisher after its final rewrite.  It shall be out soon for all of you.  She will be getting her own copy immediately.

             _Angsty Aunt_

 

             _“Thrones and Moans_?”  Hawke rolled her eyes, as she leaned against Anders.  “Tell me that isn’t your next series.”

            “It i…”  Varric broke off as Cassandra rushed into _The Herald’s Rest_ where he now sat with his friends.  “Cass… Seeker.”  He tried to keep the grin off of his face.

            “Did you really publish it?”  Cassandra was trying to stay calm and failing miserably at it, it was cute.  “It is the story about King Calenhad and Queen Mairyn?”

            He produced a copy of the book from under the table and handed it to her.  “Look at page four.”

            She gave him a quick hug and then opened the book, reading out loud.  “ _Mairyn flung her long golden locks over her shoulder and looked at her most trusted companion, the raven haired Seeker.  ‘Cassandra, whatever shall we do?’  The Seeker, tall and brave shifted her shield as she unsheathed her long, lethal sword.  ‘We shall fight, my lady, and we shall win’.”_   Cassandra gasped.  “I’m in the book!  You put me in the book!”  She flung her arms around Varric and kissed his cheek, while clutching his present.  “I’m going to read the shit out of this.  Thank you!”  She flew out of the room the tome clutched to her chest.

            “Varric,” Marian Hawke watched as the Seeker left and then smiled at her grinning husband.  “Let’s talk some more about Bianca and why she isn’t the right woman for you.  Have you ever put her in a book?”


	23. Passed Up for Greatness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The citizens of Thedas are troubled and turn to Angsty Aunt. That includes those in Corypheus' Camp.

Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I took your advice and have been chasing after my broody elf.  I traced those who took him from me to the coast.  I learned that it was the Dread Pirate Isabela and her friend the Horrifying Champion of Kirkwall, along with the Champions husband The Explosive Apostate, were the ones who absconded with him.  I asked those who saw him with these women what happened and they reported that the Dread Pirate Isabela has him.  I managed to buy a ship and hire a crew to chase after them, but we were attacked by another pirate.  It turns out this man was a friend of mine from the Carta.  I’d always thought he was cute and sweet, but not as heart throbbing as my broody elf.  Now, though, I see that he is tough and adventuresome.  He is a man not to be trifled with and I don’t know whether to throw myself at his bristling beard or to continue after my broody elf.

            _Torn Heart_

            Dear Torn,

            It is obvious that this friend of yours, the one who turned pirate, returns your affections.  He understands your ways, as he also used to be part of a carta.  The elf ran off with a trio that sounds truly terrible.  Don’t throw away the love you have found for one who could not return it.  Stay with the Bristling Beard.

            _Angsty Aunt_

          

             Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I have been reading your book, _Gone Too Qun_.  I suspect that my neighbor may be Qun.  She is too friendly and likes to ask questions.  I saw her drinking at the tavern the other day and she was awfully cheerful with strangers.  What should I do?

            _Nervous Neighbor_

            Dear Nervous,

            My book should have outlined what to do in these cases.  If you feel you must watch them or follow them around, then do so.  Make sure you document everything they do.  They will either tip their hands or stop being so friendly to you.  That should give you your answer.

            _Angsty Aunt_

           Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I work hard and thought I was invaluable to The Elder One.  After all, I lead a powerful and mighty cult.  However, he decided to make my coworker, a man with addiction and anger issues, his vessel instead of me.  I know that I would be a better choice than him.  Do I confront my coworker about this?  Do I stand up to the Elder One and demand the rewards I am due?

            _Passed Up for Greatness_

            Dear Passed,

            I would first find out what being this vessel entails.  It may not be pleasant.  After you find out, leave your unappreciative leader and go to those he considers his rivals.  I am sure they will appreciate your gifts more than he ever did.

            _Angsty Aunt_

            Hopefully, Calpurnia would take his advice, Varric mused.  He admitted that it might be a bit selfish, but he had a feeling that this vessel thing was something he, and the rest of the Inquisition, wouldn’t like.

            “Was that last letter actually from Calpurnia?”  Cassandra sat next to him on a bench near her favorite practice dummy.  Varric had rushed to her when the new issue of _The Randy Dowager_ had arrived.

            “I believe so,” he confirmed.  “I hope she takes my advice and joins us.  I’d rather have her as a semi-trustworthy ally than an enemy.”

            “Leliana thinks Corypheus duped her in some way,” Cassandra confided.  “I’m sure after this letter; she’ll have her people trying to figure out what this vessel is.”

            “I have my resources, as well as Leliana and Sera’s on it,” Varric assured her.  “I am also having someone look at Nervous Neighbor’s neighbor.  They might actually be living next to a member of the Ben Hassrath.”

            “Bull might know,” Cassandra suggested.

            “I won’t ask him to out his old contacts and I don’t think they all knew each other.  Although, that might be cool,” he conceded.

            “You’d have to add it to the next book in your Ben Hassrath series,” Cassandra agreed.

            “Speaking of series,” he fidgeted a little.  “What did you think of my new series, _Thrones and Moans?”_

            “Well, I’ve only read the first book twice,” she began.


	24. Can't Unsee the Caboodling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angsty Aunt continues to help the good people of Thedas with their problems.

           Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I am a Lieutenant in the Inquisition’s army.  I take pride in my work and in the organization I work for.  I really enjoy it as well.  However, yesterday, I walked into my superior’s office to find him with our leader.  They were using his desk for non-military means and must have somehow mistaken it for a bed.  I saw them… well, I can’t find the words for what I witnessed, but I’m sure you can imagine.  How do I bring up the matter of making sure doors are locked with them?  I’m happy for them, I really am, but I’m not the type who wants to watch that sort of thing.

            _Can’t Unsee the Caboodling_

            Dear Can’t Unsee,

            Pretend you didn’t see anything.  Tell yourself it was all a dream until you believe it.  While you do that, make sure you always knock on the door before going into that office, just to be on the safe side.

            _Angsty Aunt_

Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I am a script writer for my theatrical group, _The Blue Wardens._ We perform at _The Griffins Nest_ Theatre.  I was interested in creating a theatrical production based off of the wonderful _Hard in Hightown_ series.  I would be willing to include the original author in the theatre’s receipts of course.

            _Inspired Bard_

Dear Inspired,

            I shall send you the name of the publicist that you will need to deal with, as well as the information to the author’s other representatives who can set up a deal for you.

           _Angsty Aunt_

          

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I have stayed with an aquatic fairing friend of mine since she rescued me from a particular carta.  She and her men have been searching for an old Alamarri treasure.  Each time they think they are close; there is another clue to its location.  That is not why I am writing to you, though.  I had sex with this friend.  It isn’t the first time and it is casual.  This last time, I called her by the wrong name, though.  I don’t know if she noticed, she has had so many partners that they likely have to shout out their name to remind her who they are.  Worse, I think I might be in love with this other person, the one whose name I shouted out.  What should I do?

            _Broody Elf_

Dear Broody,

            I would talk to your friend.  She probably noticed that you called the wrong name and you need to apologize.  She can also give you council as what to do about this person you love.  Without more detail about who has caught your heart, I can not give you more advice.

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            “I hope it’s Junior he has decided he’s in love with,” Varric handed the magazine over to Cassandra as she finished reading.

            “Perhaps it’s the dwarf, the one from the Carta,” Cassandra suggested.  They were snuggled together in the library in front of a large fireplace.

            “I don’t think…”  Varric stopped as one of the mages in the library stopped and held out a copy of _The Randy Dowager_ and a pen.  He signed it and smiled at the mage as he handed the magazine back.  He turned back to Cassandra.  “I don’t think so.  I’m pretty sure it’s someone we both know.”

            “Maybe it’s Anders,” she suggested.

            It took Varric a minute to realize she was joking.  “Anders is only three months away from becoming a father.  It was the other reason Hawke didn’t go back to Weisshaupt.  She’s waiting until the baby comes.”

            “Then you will be Uncle Varric,” Cassandra leaned in and kissed his cheek.  Varric was startled, but a smile spread across his face and not just at her words.  Then he noticed the warmth that spread through him as well.  Maker, he was growing too fond of the Seeker.  Or was it too fond?  She was a wonderful woman.

            “If Broody’s in love with Junior, he could be Uncle Broody,” Varric pointed out.

            “It would probably be good for him, from what you’ve told me,” Cassandra reasoned.  “It sounds like he slept with Isabela.”

            Varric nodded.  “I know they’ve played hide the sausage before.”

            “Are you going to let this company do a production of _Hard in Hightown_?”  She changed the subject.

            “Damn right I am,” he confirmed.  “And I’m going to reap the royalties.  Perhaps I’ll get a few more readers out of it.”

            “Maybe we should go see it when it’s done,” she suggested.  “We could go with Hawke and Anders as… as friends.”


	25. Beautiful Seeker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angsty Aunt returns with more advice!

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I once again heard strange howling the last full moon.  I followed the sound and found the same neighbor looking up at the moon.  He, again, claimed that there had been a strange wolf that I just missed.  I’m beginning to suspect that it’s him.  The strange thing is that he seems to be having fun and it howling at the moon does sound like it might be enjoyable.  How do I tell him I think it’s him howling and that I want to join him?

            _Interested Neighbor_

            Dear Interested,

            Next full moon, just go out and howl yourself.  If you always find your neighbor in a certain spot, go there.  He might just decide to join you in howling.  Who knows, you could end up with a chorus.  It couldn’t be worse than the Singquisition sounds.

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

Dear Angsty Aunt,

            The Inquisition will soon be travelling to Arbor Wilds.  The Inquisitor plans to take a human apostate who claims to be an expert on elves.  I am an… an elf.  I have studied history through the Fade and no more about the ancient elves than any human could learn in a lifetime.  Yet this woman is going while I am being left behind.

            _Ancient Expert_

            Dear Ancient,

            Perhaps the Inquisitor feels that two experts on her team at once will cause conflict and give her handsome dwarf a headache; perhaps cause her beautiful Seeker to punch something.  Talk to her.  If you promise to be on your best behavior, she might take you, too.

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I was involved in the Daring rescue of a Dashing, if somewhat Broody friend. After that, he docked his ship in my port. In any case, this made me think of the old days, and a sweet girl I knew then. Let's call her Kitten. Anyway, I always liked her and I'd love to see her again. Maybe even explore some, well, feelings that I had. Normally I don't have any problems asking friends if they want a few benefits, but she's kind of naive, and I'm not sure she'd understand. Do you think I should see her again, or should I forget about her and find a few dozen other people to take my mind off of her?

            _The Admiral_

            Dear Admiral,

            I would make sure you took care of any other business you were involved in right now before you return to this Kitten.  Once you do, go see her.  A dozen maypoles and salt cellars can not make up for the person you truly yearn for.  The heart wants what it wants and a parade of silent flutes and samplers will not be able to satisfy the heart.  Be honest with her, tell her how you feel, don’t use euphemisms, use clear words and make your intentions apparent.  I hope her heart welcomes yours.

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            “Beautiful Seeker is it?”  Cassandra’s cheeks were rosy. 

            Varric wasn’t sure if the flushed cheeks were from the warmth of the fireplace, they were back in front of the library’s fireplace, or from his written words.  “I stand by my description, Cassandra.”  He found his own cheeks warming and quickly changed the subject.  “Ancient Elf has to be Solas.  Ten silvers say he pouts until Tempest takes him to The Arbor Wilds with us.”

            “You’re on,” she agreed.  “However one gold piece says that if he goes he and Morrigan snipe at each other the entire time and trade thinly veiled insults.”

            “You’re… no, we don’t deal in coin, you and I,” Varric studied her.  “If he takes her, you have to wear a dress the next time we find ourselves in Val Royeaux and go to dinner with me.”

            Her cheeks pinked a bit more.  “Agreed.  If they exchange at least three thinly veiled insults you must write another book for me.  If Solas gets the best dig in, it will be another volume of _Swords and Shields._   If Morrigan makes the best insult, it will be the next issue of _Thrones and Moans._ ”

            “Agreed,” he held out a hand.  She took it to shake it and was surprised when he pulled her close and placed a light kiss on her lips.  Now she was truly blushing and had a little grin on her face.


	26. Sailing Southwest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Varric, in his guise of Angsty Aunt, continues to tend to the needs of Thedas.

           Dear Angsty Aunt,

            The admiral I serve led us to a marvelous Alamarri treasure and even my take should be huge.  She then turned around and raced towards Kirkwall.  It is a trade port and there is no viscount asking questions about where goods were obtained, just guards and they are more interested in keeping the peace and making sure no one gets robbed.  I’ve never been to Kirkwall before; I hear it’s a shithole.  Is there any place I should visit or check out while there?  Is there any unsafe places?  I’ve heard rumors that you have been to most places in Thedas, Angsty Aunt, including Kirkwall.

            _Sailing Southwest_

            Dear Sailing,

            Yes, I have been to Kirkwall and, yes, it is a shithole.  I love it.  Avoid the alleys in Lowtown and Hightown.   In Lowtown, make sure you visit _The Hanged Man_.  It a total dive, you’ll enjoy it.  Just don’t fall asleep there.  In Hightown, there is the best hat shop; you have to pay them at least one visit.  It will change your life.  You’ll want to be the admiral now.

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I am almost to the city where my friend, the special friend I mentioned in an earlier letter, is.  Last night the other friend, the one I recently let bang me like a drum, told me that we can’t create feet for baby booties anymore because he’s in love with someone else.  I was happy for him before I learned who that someone else is.  He hates mages, he hates them so much that he tried to kill his best friend, who is a mage, because she sided with her own people during The Kirkwall uprising.  This person is closely connected to that friend; you might even think she’s like a ray of Sunshine.  Now I hesitate to encourage him to be with this girl.  I want my friend who just talked to be happy, but I don’t want him to hurt my other friend.

            _Advice Seeking Admiral_

Dear Admiral,

            Well, shit.  I think it will be okay. Just in case, be ready to protect that ray of Sunshine if you have to.

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I am about to lead a large force out to a ‘forgotten temple’.  My men know what they are doing, but this will put the woman I love in danger.  I don’t know what I would do if anything happened to her.  Should I tell her?  It won’t make a difference.  She’s going to do it anyway.

            _Caring Commander_

            Dear Caring,

            Tell her how you feel and how much you love her.  Then trust that she can take care of herself.  Hopefully, she’ll have a handsome dwarf with a repeating crossbow at her side.  He won’t let anything happen to her.

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            The fire crackled in the library fireplace as Varric waited for Cassandra to finish reading the latest group of letters for _Angsty Aunt_.  He noticed that her hair smelled of pine.  When had it begun smelling like pine and steel and when did he begin to notice?  When did he start to like it?

            “Should I worry about who this ray of sunshine is?”  Cassandra’s eyes narrowed on him.

            Varric hadn’t exactly told her the entire truth when he told her Hawke’s story and he had a feeling she wasn’t going to be happy at the one fact he altered, even if it was to protect someone else.  “No.”

            “Varric,” Hawke rushed in as much as her delicate condition would let her.  He had a feeling she’d soon be waddling.  “We need to talk now.  I’m sorry, Cassandra, I really need to talk to him alone.”

            “What’s wrong?”  Cassandra’s voice carried concern.

            “It’s about a brooding cloud that is heading for my sunshine,” Hawke’s answer was vague.

            “I’ll take care of it.  There really isn’t anything to worry about,” Varric assured her as he stood to join Hawke.  “Let’s take a walk outside.”


	27. An Armed and Angry Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The people of Thedas may never run out of problems. Luckily, Angsty Aunt is there to help them.

Dear Angsty Aunt,

I have a friend that's very sweet.  She's falling in love with a woman who is known for not taking relationships very seriously in the past. I want my friends to be happy, but I don't want her to be hurt.  Should I send a bolt of lightning up the Admiral's ass as a warning?  Or should I settle for a retaliatory strike if she breaks my sweet friend's heart?  I'd ask my older sister for her opinion, but she's busy gestating.

_A Protective Friend_

Dear Protective,

I believe this amorous admiral may have real feelings for your friend.  I would continue to keep an eye on them for now.  Let the admiral know that lightning will be one of her many consequences if she breaks your friend’s heart.  Your sister may indeed be another thing she should worry about.  It was good you asked me instead.

_Angsty Aunt_

 

Dear Angsty Aunt,

I know a family that has been torn by the use of magic. One member has threatened a family friend with the use of magic if she breaks the heart of another. The other, a Templar, is now angry and stomping around like a dragon due to what he terms as the "irresponsible" use of magic. Other than putting them both into a Get Along Shirt, which I am not opposed to, how can I keep this family feud from destroying Kirkwall?

_An Armed and Angry Friend_

Dear Armed and Angry,

Be ready to use the Get Along Shirt.  You could try to explain to the stomping dragon what will happen if he or his family razes parts of Kirkwall again.  The threat alone may scare him into putting his nose back into joint.

_Angsty Aunt_

Dear Angsty Aunt,

I have two sisters that are Apostates.  I’ve given up on even trying to influence the older one, but my younger sister still likes me.  At least, I think she does, she’s usually kind to everyone.  She’s also very emotional and is now worried about a friend of hers.  This friend is yet another mage, did I piss off the Maker or something?  My sister has threatened this friend’s admirer with magic, offensive magic.  What I mean is, she threatened to hurt the admirer, not heal them.  I thought that her new boyfriend would be on my side, but he just told me to stop being an ass.  What can I do to stop this insane use of unsanctioned magic?

_An Irritated Templar_

Dear Irritated,

You can start by pulling the flagpole out of your backside and asking your sweet younger sister to stop the bleeding with magic.  Seriously, Junior, lighten up, drink an ale, get laid, read a book written by a charming Dwarf.  May I suggest _The Tale of the Champion_ by Varric Tethras, available at your nearest book seller.  If you don’t pull yourself together, the Guard Captain of whatever fine city you live in is going to get angry. You won’t like her when she’s angry.

_Angsty Aunt_

Varric paced Hawke’s private rooms as Marian and Anders read the latest issue of _The Randy Dowager_.  Marian looked over a Varric and let out a huff.  “I need to go to Kirkwall and bash Carver and Bethany’s heads together.”

 

“You are in no condition for a sea voyage, kitten,” Anders dissented.  “Aveline can handle them.  You saw Varric’s advice.  Carver fears Aveline more than he likes to let on.”

“Then why is Varric so nervous?”  Marian challenged.

“Because Varric lied to the Seeker and told her that Bethany was killed by that ogre,” Varric confided.

“Bethany?”  Marian raised an eyebrow.  “That was mother’s maid, Lucille, who was crushed by the ogre.  She tried to hit the thing with a stick.  I think she preferred death to Carver’s constant murmuring and mother’s declarations that we were doomed.”

“What was I supposed to say?”  Varric threw his hands up.  “Oh, Bethany escaped the Blight; too, she’s an apostate living in Kirkwall right now.  Why don’t you take your Chantry Soldiers and arrest her?  We claimed she was dead in the Deep Roads when Cullen tried to come and take her to the Circle.  I’m going to have to explain to both Curly and Cassandra that we’ve been faking Bethany’s death.”

“We could just come up with another story,” Anders suggested.  “Perhaps she’s now a ghost and that’s who Carver is fighting with.  It’s not any weirder than the shit that goes on here.”

“And who Fenris has decided he’s in love with?”  Varric leaned against a wardrobe and crossed his arms.  “I can’t keep lying to Cassandra.”

“Then tell her the truth,” Marian slowly stood up, bracing herself with one hand and supporting her unborn child with the other.  She slowly waddled to Varric and laid a hand on his shoulder.  “I think the time for lies and half-truths between you is over.  Evie and I will be with you if you need us to be.”

“I think I do need you two, along with Anders,” Varric added.  “I think I’m going to need a healer when I’m done.”


	28. Clouded Sunshine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is only one writer who can solve the woes of Thedas... Angsty Aunt, the not-so-secret persona of Varric Tethras.

Dear Angsty Aunt,

I am a Grey Warden.  I was worried when Commander Clarel was sacrificing my brethren to raise a demon army, but the Inquisitor saved us.  Now, I’ve learned that Corypheus can just jump into any Grey Warden he wants and take over their body.  I’m afraid I’m going to wake up one day and find out that Corypheus has taken over my body and I’m now him.  What should I do?

_Worried Warden_

Dear Worried,

On the bright side, I doubt you will be aware of what is happening any longer, if Corypheus takes control of your body.  All kidding aside, I don’t think you need to worry about it.  He seems to be keeping his own personal contingent of Grey Wardens with him in case of emergency.  As long as you don’t follow him, you should be all right.

_Angsty Aunt_

 

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I have been reading Varric Tethras’ _Moans and Thrones_ , the first volume.  I hope he comes out with number two soon.  I feel that the character of Cassandra is based off of someone the author must admire.  She is my favorite and I hope to see much more of her.

            _Fantastic Fan_

            Dear Fan,

            I agree.  Cassandra seems special.

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I don’t know what to do.  One of my older sister’s old friends came to see me recently.  He and my sister have a complicated history.  They were friends.  Then they had a one night stand and he bailed on her.  She was really in love with someone else, who kept telling her that he would only end up hurting her, so they weren’t together yet.  She and this friend then barely saw each other over the next three years until he had a problem he needed her to help him solve. That snapped him out of his funk, but then he tried to kill her during the mage uprising in Kirkwall and they didn’t speak to each other for over ten years.  It wasn’t until he sent her a cake and got himself imprisoned by a carta that they sort of made up.  I don’t know why they were friends; he kept talking about how much he hate mages, which she and I are.  Well, a couple of days ago, he came into town and to my family’s estate.  He declared his love for me, for me!  I’m a mage and he… well, I freaked out.  I froze him in place, I know he hates when people use magic on him, but I didn’t know what to do.  I then ran to a friend and told her what happened.  I know the friend can protect me from this man, but she’s really bad at relationship advice.  The thing is, I do have feelings for this man, but he hates mages and I’m a mage.  Plus, I already have a friend whom my brother insists is my boyfriend, he’s just a friend.  When I returned home, my sister’s sort of friend was gone.  I think I know where he is staying, but I’m not sure if I should go to him.  What do I do?

            _Clouded Sunshine_

            Dear Sunshine,

            Go to him and talk to him.  He deserves to know how you feel and why you freaked out when he told you how he feels.  You are right to be cautious.  He hurt your sister, even if he hadn’t been the man her heart belonged to.  But it is best to be honest with each other.   Of course, you could probably do better than Broody or Choir Boy.

            _Angsty Aunt_

“I don’t want Fenris anywhere near Bethany,” Anders declared as he set down his copy of _The Randy Dowager_.

            “Bethany can take care of herself,” Marian Hawke lounged behind him in their private room.  “She says in her letter that she has feelings for him, too.”

            “She’s confused,” Anders insisted.

            “She knows her own mind, Blondie,” Varric assured him.  He gently rocked Malina, Hawke’s newborn daughter.  “Let her talk to Broody and see what he has to say.  He sounds very sorry about trying to kill us.”

            “I don’t know if that’s something you just forgive,” Anders countered.

            “Says the man who blew up the chantry,” Varric muttered.

            “That has nothing…”  Anders stopped as the door opened and Cassandra marched in, waving a copy of _The Randy Dowager_.

            “Are you holding that baby so I can’t punch you?”  She accused Varric.

            “Yes, I am,” he freely admitted.  “I knew you were going to be mad about… well, that something in those letters could upset you.”

            “First off…”  She glared at him for a moment.  Then her expression softened and she kissed his cheek.  “Thank you for what you said to Fantastic Fan.”  Then her expression hardened again.  “You lied to me.”

            “I did?”  Varric tried to ask innocent and continued to rock the baby.

            “You told me that Bethany died outside of Lothering.”  She held up the magazine.  “She is obviously Clouded Sunshine.  Broody is Fenris, so the person writing is Hawke’s sister.  She only had one sister!”

            “It’s true, I did,” Hawke confirmed.

            “What would you have done if I had said ‘Oh, Hawke’s baby sister, who is a mage, is still here in Kirkwall’?  You would have dragged her to Haven, too.  You probably would have thrown her back into the Circle if there still was one.  After… after that calmed down, I was too scared of you to tell you I’d lied and she was still alive.  It was Leandra’s maid who had died.”

            “You were still afraid of me?”  Cassandra was obviously surprised and seemed a little hurt.

            “Seeker, you are scary even when you aren’t,” he informed her.  “You’re a good person, but a scary one.  I’ve seen a bear take one look at you when you glared at it and it ran back in the other directions.  It’s part of your charm.”

            She seemed to calm down a bit.  “Fine, but know more lies between us.”

            “I promise,” he nodded.

            She looked at the baby.  “Does Malina find me scary?”

            He shifted the baby to look at her and Malina just gurgled at her.  “Apparently not, but she’s Tiny Hawke.  Tiny Hawke isn’t scared of anything, just like her mama.  I’ll find a way to make this up to you.”

            Cassandra smiled at the baby.  “If you write new issues of _Sword and Shields_ and _Thrones and Moans_ , I will consider forgiving you.”

            He nodded.  “Done.”


	29. Mother of the Wilds.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even the most powerful of Thedas will turn to Angsty Aunt for Advise.

Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I am going to see my daughter soon.  We’ve been estranged.  She once tried to have me killed, because she believes I’m going to continue my unnatural life by possessing her body.  To be honest, I did do that to some of her older sisters, but they agreed to it.  I do love her, but she is one to hold a grudge, and may not accept my apologies or explanations.  Additionally, I have some news that she will not like to hear.  I will be seeing my grandson, too, and look forward to it.  Our relationship is on better terms than that of his mother and me.  I would appreciate your advice.

            _Mother of the Wilds_

            Dear Mother,

            It sounds like she’s rather hostile to you, and as if she had reason to worry.  You may not have always had your other daughters’ best interest at heart.  It also sounds as if she is rather hostile to you.  Most people don’t try to have their own mother killed.  Talk to her and let her know how you feel, tell her how much you love her.  Be prepared for her to still be angry, but remember that you do love her.

            _Angsty Aunt_

Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I haven’t seen a friend of mine since the Chantry blew up in Kirkwall and the most beloved of Andraste and the Maker, Grand Enchantress Elthina, was killed by the Foul Terrorist Anders.  He rightfully supported the Templars, the guardians of the Chantry against the mage insurrection.  Then he left, after falling out with some false friends.  Now he has returned.  He did not come and say hello to me, even though we are friends.  No, he went to my girlfriend and confessed his love for her.  That is not how friends should treat each other.  I need to go speak with him, but I don’t know what to say.

            _Forsakened Friend_

            Dear Forsakened,

            I think you need to talk to your girlfriend first.  Make sure she really is your girlfriend or if she is just a friend who is a girl.  Either way, she isn’t your property and you must respect her feelings in this matter.  Then talk to your friend and let him know how you feel.  Also, Anders is not a terrorist, he is a freedom fighter.

            _Angsty Aunt_

           

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I talked to the woman I love and told her how I feel, as you suggested previously.  She used magic on me and froze me.  When I thawed, she was gone.  Now I am back in my home and not sure what I should do.  I don’t think your previous advice worked, but I don’t know who else to go to.  They are all bad at these romance and love things, too.

            _Brooding Heart_

            Dear Broody,

            Give her some time.  This girl, your ray of Sunshine, was obviously surprised by your feelings.  Perhaps she had reasons to think you didn’t even like her.  Maybe you’ve expressed hostility towards people like her?  It’s possible that you even tried to kill her sister and her handsome dwarven friend, this doesn’t exactly foster fuzzy feelings.  Let her think about what you’ve said, and decide how she feels about it.  Perhaps show her how you feel without pushing the matter too hard.  Let her come to you if and when she’s ready.

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            Marian Hawke looked up from her copy of _The Randy Dowager_.  She sat in her rooms, watching as Varric rocked her daughter and sang her a lullaby.  The only thing more fascinating than that was watching Seeker Pentaghast watching Varric.  There was an unexpected soft expression on her face as she regarded the baby and her dwarven honorary uncle.  She decided that it was time that Bianca had some competition she decided.  She’d have to talk to Anders about the matter.  For now, she had her family to worry about.  “Does Sodding Sebastian think Bethany is his girlfriend?  After everything he’s said about mages?  After he threatened to destroy her city to come after Anders and his cat, too?”

            “I still can’t believe he threatened Lady Pounces-a-lot-too,” Anders agreed.

            “Varric, why didn’t you tell him to stay away from Bethany?”  Marian demanded.

            “She said she had feelings for Fenris, too,” Cassandra defended Varric’s answer before he could.  “Sometimes you can’t help who you fall in love with.  Sometimes you develop feelings for people you find annoying or a thorn in your side.  You realize the thorn is hiding a beautiful rose.”

            “That’s positively romantic, Cassandra,” Varric smiled at her.  “Can I borrow that?”

            “It’s yours,” she agreed.  Then under her breath she muttered.  “It was about you after all.”

            “What was that?”  Both Varric and Marian could have sworn their ears had just deceived them.

            “Nothing,” Cassandra insisted.  “I think you should write Aveline and have her keep an eye on Prince Sebastian.  He doesn’t seem to take opposition well and she and Carver might want to be with Bethany when she explains to him that he’s…”

            “Just a friend, like those she counts in dozens?”  Varric finished for her.  “I’ll get on it.  Maybe Aveline should be the one to explain it.  Nobody argues with Aveline, except Hawke.”


	30. Dutiful Daughter by Accident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dragons and Elven Gods plague Thedas' citizens. Thank the Maker for Angsty Aunt.

Dear Angsty Aunt,

My grandfather was a great dragon hunter and I have inherited his sword.  The Hero of Ferelden told me if I continued to practice, I could be a great one too.  I have done so and learned sword fighting techniques from every master I could find.  I have yet to take on a dragon, though.  I have learned that a nearby village is having problems with this creature.  It has not only killed a dozen sheep and an old man, it killed a dog.  I’m not sure I’m ready to take on my first dragon and my sister told me we should write the Inquisition and tell them.  But this is what I have been studying sword play for and what I’ve spent years getting ready for.  Should I take on this foul creature?  
  


            _Hoping to Hunt_

            Dear Hoping,

            The Inquisitor is a busy woman.  If this is what you dreamed of doing, then get on with it already.  Go kill that dragon.  My prayers are with you.

            _Angsty Aunt_

           

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I recently drank from an ancient elven pool in the Temple of Mythal.  I did not believe there would be any adverse consequences to this as I was sure the Evanuris were just figments of the Dalish’ imaginations.  I never believed them to be real.  Whoever drank from this pool would become subject to the Will of Mythal.  I wanted the knowledge this would grant me and as Mythal was not real, there was no true danger.  I have learned that not only is she real, she is my mother.  Now I must do whatever she says.  I need advice on how to get out of this situation.

            _Dutiful Daughter by Accident_

Dear Dutiful,

            Well shit.

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            Dear Angst Aunt,

            My friends are saying that Mythal is real.  One of my friends even talked to her.  She says it was her, but she wasn’t even an elf.  I say it’s all shite.  This Mythal is a demon possessing an already scary mage.  I’ve been to her temple and it was all highly suspect.  It was all about demon worship and that’s what any of those elven gods walking around.  They’re demons.  The Maker is real and Andraste is real.  There’s a Throne of the Gods and it belongs to the Maker’s Butt.  The rest of this is demon worship.  How do I explain this to my friends and the elfy elf arse who acts all superior to everyone?

            _Right Red Jenny_

            Dear Jenny,

            People believe what they want to.  Let them know where you stand, but you can’t change their minds.  I have a feeling this elfy elf is particularly stubborn.  It is enough that you believe you are right.

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            “She’s right, they aren’t gods.”  Cassandra lounged on a blanket in Skyhold’s gardens.  Varric was with her, along with Baby Hawke.  Hawke and Anders were getting a little alone time.  Marian had also said something about wanting to see how Cassandra was with children.  He found that Cassandra was surprisingly gentle and tender with the infant.  He was now certain she’d be a fierce and protective mother.  “Mythal may have been a real person, but she is no goddess.  The only god is The Maker.”

            “I agree with you,” Varric reminded her.  “Try getting Solas to side with your views, though.  Let people have the right to worship how and who they want.  Exalted Marches are wrong.   They don’t convert anyone, they just destroy lives.”

            “You aren’t wrong,” Cassandra agreed.  “Morrigan obviously never believed she was real or she wouldn’t have drunk from that well.  Now she has to…  Sweet Maker, Mythal and Flemeth are the same person.  Evie hinted at that in her report, but I didn’t realize…”

            “Morrigan is stuck doing whatever her mother tells her,” Varric shuddered at the thought.  He would hate to be in such a situation with his own parents.  “The poor thing.”

            The baby started to fuss and Cassandra scooped her up into her arms and began to comfort her.  Varric’s heart stopped for a moment at the sight.  She looked so different from the scary Seeker he’d first met in Kirkwall as she cuddled the infant to her.  The Seeker was still there; ready to protect the Maker’s kingdom and those in her charge, but this was a side he was vulnerable to.  He decided that distraction was his only recourse.  “You come from a long line of dragon hunters.  If I give you Hoping to Hunt’s information, could you send him advice?”

            “I’d be happy to,” she laid her cheek against the top of Malina’s head as they baby snuggled closer.  “Maybe I’ll teach Malina to hunt them when she grows older.”


	31. Sweet Toothed Arishok

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Varric addresses dragons and cake.

Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I have learned that an acquaintance of mine has discovered how to turn into a dragon.  I have always wanted to learn how to turn into a dragon, but she’s being stubborn, and will not tell me how to turn into one.  I tried begging and she threatened to turn me into a toad.  Then she became angry when I asked her to teach me how to turn others into a toad.  What do I do?

            _I Want to be a Dragon_

            Dear Want,

            Perhaps you should talk to those who know this marvelous person.  They may be able to either help you conquer these spells or tell you how to persuade this person.

            _Angsty Aunt_

_* In the answer to the Arishok below, there is a recipe for a cake. Perhaps a piece in exchange for a lesson will help?_

 

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            The woman I love came to me recently and admitted she did love me too.  I was happy for a moment, then she added that she didn’t trust me anymore because of the things I have said about mages and the time I tried to kill her sister.  She expects me to win her trust back.  What should I do?

            _Brooding Elf_

Dear Broody,

            The answer is you need to win her trust back, just as she said.  She loves you and you love her, but you have given her reason to believe she can not rely on you.  Show her that you can and that you won’t hurt her for any reason.

            _Angsty Aunt_

            Angsty Aunt,

            The Tamassrans insist I write to you again.  They loved your cookie recipe and have now heard of cake, which is also good.  They want a cake recipe from you, a good one.  They are also glad you worked things out with your friend, but they are worried about this person others claim is Mythal.  It goes against the Qun and makes no sense.  The elven gods are not real.  Jenny was right that they were demons.  They have also gotten ahold of a copy of Master Tethras’ book _Gone to Qun._ They want you to tell him to stop writing such things.

            _The Arishok_

P.S.  No, I will not write a silly pen name this time.

            Dear Arishok,

            I’ve dealt with an Arishok before.  It didn’t go well and Hawke had to put him down.  Master Tethras would like you to know that you do not control what he writes, only his publisher has any power over that and not that much power.  As for a cake recipe… Take two cups of flour, 1.5 teaspoons of baking powder, 3/4ths teaspoon of baking soda, 3/4ths teaspoon of salt and mix them together. Beat 12 tablespoons of butter, and then add 2 cups, plus 2 tablespoons of ground sugar.  Beat them together.  Then add a cup of cocoa and 2 teaspoons of vanilla.  Mix those together and then add 3 eggs.  Add your dry ingredients and then add 1.4 cups of water and ¼ cup milk that have been heated together.  Put this in a baking oven for about half an hour.  Then combine sweetened condensed milk and 6 ounces of caramel and heat these together carefully.  Poor it onto your baked confection slowly.  Next you will sprinkle 11 ounces of toffee on it.  You will cover this with whipped cream. 

            I should warn you that if your Tamassran consume this, however, they will lose all interest in your soldiers and workers and the Qun may not survive.  I am also sending you a copy of _Gone to Qun, Too_ which will be available for sell in all refined book shops in several months.  This way you will not have to get a copy after everyone else.  I will send along a copy of the latest issue of _Swords and Shields_ , the ladies may want to read it after trying the cake.

            _Angsty Aunt_

           

            Cassandra looked up from her copy of _The Randy Dowager_.  Molina was with her parents this time, having finally begun to sleep through the night.  “No cake is _that_ good.”

            “This one is,” Varric assured her.  “We… we do have all of the ingredients in Skyhold’s kitchen.”

            “Do we?”  She smirked.  “Aren’t you afraid that I’ll be ruined for men after that?”

            He found he didn’t like that idea.  A kiss on the cheek was as far as their own relationship had ever gone, but he found he did want more.  “Perhaps we’ll use this to tide you over until you’re ready for more with a particular man.  Do… do you have a particular man.”

            Her chinks pinked.  “I might.  Let’s go try this cake of yours.”


	32. Needled Witch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Parents and Harassed Men turn to Angsty Aunt.

Dear Angsty Aunt,

            My son is insisting I write to you about my problem.  An irksome woman keeps bothering me with requests to teach her how to learn to be a dragon.  She even brought me a piece of cake to try and bribe me.  It was very good cake.  Perhaps she should take some to my mother, who also knows how to turn into a dragon, and stop bothering me.  How do I get her to leave me alone?

            _Needled Witch_

Dear Witch,

            Would an entire cake help to convince you to help this woman?

            _Angsty Aunt_

Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I have learned that after I attended a ball at the Winter Palace, for Orlesian Peace Talks, a plethora of marriage proposals have poured into the organization I work for.  I was aware of a few ones and my coworkers wanted to use them to the organization’s advantage.  They told me to ‘stand there and look pretty’.  I felt so objectified.  Now I’ve learned that more proposals have come in and I’m being used as a carrot dangled in front of a bunch of Orlesian dames and their averous fathers.  I have found the most wonderful woman in Thedas and I love her dearly.  I may move on from other things in my life, but not her.  How do I get this to stop?

            _Confounded Commander_

            Dear Confounded,

            I would tell you to scowl and growl at these unwanted suitors, but I suspect you have already done so.  I also suspect that these coworkers are rather hard headed.  I suggest you ignore your coworkers and unwanted suitors and concentrating on keeping the special woman you found happy.  Make sure she knows that she is all you want.

            _Angsty Aunt_

Dear Angsty Aunt,

I am excitedly awaiting the birth of my first child.  I want to decorate his room in bold blues and white.  My wife says he is a she and wants to decorate in soft blues and green.  My sort of uncle insists the colors must be red and gold.

_Expectant Father_

Dear Expectant,

Why does your uncle get a vote?  Who is carrying this baby?  I know you already love your child, but let her mother decorate her nursery the way she wants.  She’s going through enough.

_Angsty Aunt_

 

Cassandra looked up from where she was lounging in front of the fireplace with Varric, the issue of _Randy Dowager_ in her lap.  “Shall we go make an entire cake for Hawke to present to Morrigan?  I’m afraid the witch is quite stubborn.”

“We might as well,” Varric stood up and offered a hand down to Cassandra.  “Hawke is going to need all the help she can get on this one.”

She surprised him by taking his hand.  “Does no one else know this type of magic?”

“Flemeth does,” Varric confided.  “I was there when Hawke met the Witch of the Wilds, or Mythal as I guess I should refer to her.  She refused to teach her then.  Hawke really wants to learn to be a dragon.”

“I think you were wrong about Expectant Father,” Cassandra commented as they walked to the kitchen.  “He should have a say in what color his child’s nursery is.”

“I’ll remind you of that when we have a baby,” Varric returned.

“When we _what_?”  She’d stopped walking.

“When _you_ have a baby,” he corrected, flinching internally.


	33. Styling After Stormheart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rejoice loyal readers of Angsty Aunt. He is still here to answer your questions and help guide your lives.

         Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I have just finished reading _Ben Hassnot_ and find the character of the Stormheart Stallion to be most intriguing.  I wonder if he is based on anyone the Great Master Tethras knows and would like to be more like the man this character is modeled after.  Do you have any suggestions or can you tell me about the real Stormheart Stallion?

            _Styling After Stormheart_

 

            Dear Styling,

            I suggest you just be yourself.  Don’t try to be like a character in a book.  If you do want to be more like him, go spend your time in taverns until you lose an eye in a brawl where you’re trying to protect a young man on the run from Tevinter.

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            There is an important man who is the son of my sister’s husband.  I raised him as my nephew and feel I’m an important part of his life.  Now his wife tells me I have no say in raising his son.  I don’t even get a vote on what colors to use in his nursery.  How do I approach this stubborn woman?

            _Devoted Uncle_

 

            Dear ‘Devoted’,

            Yes, I will use quotations around that.  I know who you mean and I know his wife.  She has told me that you shipped him off to the Templars when he was ten, and that your wife made been making him sleep in the stables with the mabari.  Devotion doesn’t mean what you think it means. Even if she didn’t carry really sharp swords to skewer you with, all pregnant women should be treated like queens. Do you really think someone like, say, the Queen of Ferelden would listen to anyone but her king? From what I’ve heard, sometimes even that’s a crap shoot. Get a grip on reality and give up on the idea that you get a say in any of this.

            _Angsty Aunt_

           

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I have found evidence that Fen’Harel the Dread Wolf is still alive and in Thedas.  I want to go hunt him down but Carver says I shouldn’t.  Carver is telling me I can’t use his real name in these letters, but I don’t see why not.  I think it would be brilliant to prove the Dread Wolf is real and he could really help the Dalish.

            _Daring Daisy_

            Dear Daisy,

            Please do not go looking for the Dread Wolf.  Isn’t he some bad chaos god whom you don’t want catching your scent.  Listen to Carver.  He is just looking out for you.

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            “Is she crazy?”  Cassandra looked up from the latest batch of letters.  “Who is this Daring Daisy?  I’m sure you know Varric.”

            “It’s Merrill,” Varric informed her.  “She can be… extreme… at times, but Carver will keep her from doing anything crazy; like following these rumors.  I hope they’re just rumors.  We still have a would-be-god to take care of.  We don’t need the Dalish Gods to suddenly start appearing.”

            “They already have,” Cassandra reminded him.  “Or did you forget about Mythal?”

            “Well, shit,” Varric sighed.  “I’ve even sent her a cake already.  I just… wasn’t thinking of her and The Dread Wolf or Merrill together.”

            Cassandra rubbed his back.  “It will be all right.”

            “From your mouth to the Maker’s ears, Seeker,” Varric hoped she was right.

 


	34. Her Faithful Adviser

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In dark times, those in need can always turn to Angsty Aunt to help them.

Dear Angsty Aunt,

The woman I'm in love with is going to have to face the Great Evil of Our time, and I have to let her go. I'm worried. I know that she can defeat him. She is amazing, and brave, and has people she trusts around her.  She has faced down so many terrible things already, and done so with all the grace and dignity of Andraste Herself. I just struggle so much with words, and worry that she doesn't know how much she means to me... And Thedas. We would all be lost without her.

_Her Faithful Adviser_

 

Dear Adviser,

I think you just told her.

_Angsty Aunt_

 

Dear Angsty Aunt,

How do I sneak honey into Leliana's wine? It's harder than it used to be because she remembers me now.

_Cole_

Hey Kid,

I'm not sure you understand how this works. Talk to me at the Tavern, okay?

_Angsty Aunt_

 

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            There is a good chance that I will be named the new Divine.  My name is one of those on the lips of the Reverend Mothers.  The thing is… I don’t know if I want to be Divine.  I want to concentrate on restoring my Order and there may be… personal… reasons that being the Divine would interfere with.  Yet, I don’t know if I could deny the Call of the Maker, if it is indeed His will.  What should I do?  Should I send word to Val Royeaux that I don’t desire the position?

            _The Right Hand_

            Dear Right Hand,

            I have reason to be sure that you would be a wonderful Divine.  If there is a reason you don’t want the position, a personal one, then you should tell all of those involved.  Otherwise, Thedas would be lucky to have you.

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            Cassandra stared at the answer to the last letter.  He _wanted_ her to become Divine?  That couldn’t be right.  If she did she would not be allowed any personal relationships, at least none that were romantic.  She had almost written a letter hinting that she wanted him to write poetry for her.  They had kissed, the kiss had been chaste by many standards, and still… it had held affection… and passion.  She stood, ready to march to Varric’s location and demand an answer, but then stopped.  She already had one.  He wanted her to become Divine.

            Varric waited patiently for Cassandra to come and tell him how he had given bad advice or to argue with him about why she shouldn’t be Divine.  He didn’t _want_ her to be Divine.  He didn’t want her in Val Royeaux wearing those ridiculous robes and pretending to be pious.  He wanted her in Skyhold with him. 

            He didn’t know how much longer he would stay in Skyhold, though.  Corypheus was on the run and he was needed back in Kirkwall.  He tried to tell himself each of them leaving was for the best.  They’d had stolen time, that was all.  Stolen or not, he wanted more time than he had.


	35. Scared in Southbeach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Corypheus may have been defeated, but Angsty Aunt is still needed.

Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I am in the planning stages of a great party. I know that the guest of honor loves little frilly Orlesian cakes. What type should I order? I've heard that Deep Mushroom ones are popular.

            _Ruffled Party Planner_

            Dear Ruffles,

            Deep Mushrooms may be popular in Orlais, but is that where your guests are from?  I suspect you have many from other persons in Orlais.  I even suspect that your guest of honor is _not_ from Orlais.  I suggest something with chocolate.  Citrus flavors, such as orange and lemon are also always good ideas.  My own friend, Tempest, is a chocoholic.  She also loves anything orange and cream as well.

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I have heard that Sister Nightingale is now the Divine.  I’m afraid.  My momma says that if I commit a sin, the Nightingale will know and she’ll come and kill me.  What should I do?

            _Scared in South Reach_

            Dear Scared,

            Your mother is right.  The new Divine can be a scary woman.  You need to do your best to be good.  You don’t want her to come after you.

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            Corypheus, the God of the Venatori, is dead.  I have worked for him since he rose from the Vemmark Mountains and began his crusade to return to the Fade.  Now I find myself without a cause and, worse, without a paycheck.  What should I do?

            _Soldier Without a Warlord_

Dear Soldier,

            There are many armies out there.  Some defend entire countries, others are for hire.  I suggest joining a mercenary group.  If your friends are in a similar situation, perhaps you can start a group of your own.  No group will be as good as the Chargers, but they are in Southern Thedas.  I’m sure there is work in Northern Thedas.

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            Varric set his feet on the copy of _Randy Dowager_ as he took another long drag from his pint.  He was at the party that Ruffles had been worried about.  Despite his suggestions, there was a petite for with Deep Mushrooms and Anise present.  Nightingale, the new Divine, had already warned Tempest not to eat them.

            He found himself gazing longingly towards where Cassandra talked with Tempest now.  He’d already told Evie that he would be returning to Kirkwall.  Cassandra had known before anyone else and she obviously didn’t like it.  This made him both happy and incredibly sad.  He didn’t _want_ to go, but he’d been away for too long and had responsibilities.

            Kirkwall wasn’t going to repair itself and he needed to check in on his businesses.  Besides, he had to fix whatever was going on with Broody and Sunshine.  He couldn’t stay.

            As he watched, Tempest moved on to talk to someone else.  Cassandra glanced at him, but then went to talk to Leliana.  The two women stood chatting for some time.  At one point they glanced at him and Leliana shook her head.  He heard something about _threatening children_ and _boogieman_. 

            He continued to wait, past the time he saw Curly and Tempest sneak off to her room and Sera pass out, dead drunk.  Cassandra never came to discuss the new issue of _Angsty Aunt_ with him.


	36. Out Brooding Broody

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angsty Aunt continues to answer letters, but even he could use some advice.

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I watched the theatrical production of _Hard in Hightown_.  It was not as good as the book, especially the character of Belladonna.  She was nothing like the book.  Is there anything the original author of the book could do to fix the problem?  She isn’t even that good of an actress.

            _Critical in Kirkwall_

            Dear Critical,

            Belladonna could be dying her hair to avoid the Qunari who are after her.  I’m sure the play is fine.

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I have seen the theatrical production of _Hard in Hightown_.  It’s bad, especially the actress playing Belladonna.  She obviously slept with the director to get the part.  She’s even blonde and speaks with an Orlesian accent.  Don’t give me any B.S. about the character possibly being blonde or Orlesian.  I know the truth about her, and who she is based on.  Would it be wrong to kill the actress and director?

            _The Real Belladonna._

 

            Dear Rivaini,

            Please do not kill the director or any of the actors.  If you do, the production will go on hiatus and the original author gets a cut of the ticket sales. Losing money won’t make him happy.   I’m sure the author can discuss this with the producer and director.  Please don’t do anything that will lose the author money. He has a city to rebuild.

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I was a Seeker.  When the Templars left the Chantry, I refused to follow Lord Lucius’ request to go to Caer Oswin.  It seems as if I were right to do so, as he was leading the Seekers into a trap.  Now Lady Cassandra Pentaghast has come to me.  She brought the Seeker’s sacred book, which was once only read by our lords, with her and bade me to read it.  I did and was shocked by some of the things I found inside.  Lady Cassandra wants to rebuild the Seekers to be what was originally intended and not what we became under the Chantry.  I had my reasons for leaving, but after listening to her, I remember why I originally joined the Order.  Should I stay or should I go?

            _Seeking Advice_

            Dear Seeking,

            It sounds like Lady Cassandra is offering you something knew, something better.  You said yourself that she wants to restore the Seekers to what they were meant to be and not to what the Chantry had made them.  I know Lady Cassandra.  She is a good and honorable woman.  I’m glad you listened to what she had to say.  Trust her and join the Seekers, they can use good people.

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            Varric stared at his answer to the last letter.  His feet were on a table in the Hanged Man in Lowtown of Kirkwall.  The cleanup of his city was going well, but he had doubts about his decision to return. 

While reading his latest batch of letters, he had tried to concentrate on his readers, but wondered what Cassandra was up to.  He seemed to always be wondering about her.  What was she doing?  How was she feeling?  Whose butt was she currently kicking?  Maker, he missed her and wasn’t comfortable even admitting the fact to himself.  He’d been happy when he’d received the letter from the Seeker.  She was rebuilding the Order like she said she wanted to.  That should make her happy, which made him happy.  It didn’t make him miss her less though.  What was wrong with him?  He should be happy not fearing that she’d tried to kick his butt again or yell at him… or smile at him… or discuss important matters or…

“You seem grim,” Anders sat down across from him.  “Are you second guessing your decision to tell that reader to rejoin the Seekers?  I’d be happy to see the Templars and Seekers erased from Thedas.  Or are you just trying to out-brood Fenris?”

“I’m not _that_ Broody,” Varric insisted.

“Keep telling yourself that,” Anders shrugged.  “Bethany agreed to go with him to your charity ball next week.  He’s brooding less and you’re brooding more.”

“With the proceeds from the ball, we should be able to rebuild the market place,” Varric pointed out.  “I’m also looking into finding someone to scrape Meredith off of the Gallows’ courtyard.”

“Then how will the kids play Touch the Red Lyrium Templar?”  Anders objected.

“We don’t want the kids touching the Red Lyrium Templar,” Varric reminded him.  He was happy to discuss work.  Work kept his mind off of other things.


	37. Sister Stabbity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In a time of dragons, darkspawn, and kings the people cry out for advice. One dwarf will answer their call, Angsty Aunt!

 

Dear Angsty Aunt, 

 

I have a friend, a dwarf, that likes to dispense knowledge and wisdom. How do I tell him that he's being a prat to a friend of mine that likes him very much? He's hurting her and I don't appreciate it. 

 

_Sister Stabbity_

 

            Dear Sister Stabbity,

           

            Or rather, I believe I should call you Divine Stabbity, you should just visit him, wherever he lives and tell him straight.  Don’t hesitate to let him know how you feel.  I can tell you are worried for your friend and hope they are all right.

 

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

 

            I find myself often travelling on the King’s Road.  I have found that there are large wagons and carts that are being pulled by tired, elderly horses and mules.  These merchant drivers are slowing down all others on the road.  It would be wrong to hurt these poor equines, but someone must do something about this problem.  I find the length of my journey doubled or even tripled.

 

            _Enraged on the Road_

 

            Dear Enraged,

 

            I agree that it is wrong to hurt these poor horses and mules, but I also feel your frustration.  Might I suggest rather than using a crossbow to solve your problem, you learn to imitate the sound of a wolf.  This will startle the creatures into going faster without hurting them.  Don’t worry about the driver or overturning the cart, it sounds like the deserve whatever fate they face for slowing down the road.

 

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

 

            I understand that the play production of _Hard in Hightown_ is on hiatus after the mysterious deaths of the director and one of the actresses.  I am a talented songwriter and choreographer.  Perhaps the original author of the story would be willing to let me turn his magnificent work into a musical.  What do you think?

 

            _Musically Minded_

 

Dear Musically,

           

            You have a unique idea that the author had likely not explored.  I have your information.  I believe the author may just be interested.

 

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            Varric set down the copy of _Randy Dowager_ that contained his latest column.  He still couldn’t believe that Isabela had followed through with her threat and killed the director of _Hard in Hightown_ , along with the actress who played Belladonna.  Didn’t she realize how much she had cost him?  Why had she even bothered to ask his advice?  Hopefully those in this month’s column would listen to him.

            “Ah, there you are Varric,” Leliana’s voice was unmistakable.  

            Varric shot to his feet.  “Divine Victoria!”  He looked, she had guards and a couple of sisters with her, yet somehow didn’t look out of place in _the Hanged Man_.  “What are you doing here?”

            “I’m taking your advice,” she explained.  “You’re being a prat.”


	38. Justice Must Be Served

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the story of a land in turmoil, where the fates are cruel and plague Thedas-kind with trouble. One hero will answer their cries for help, dispensing advise to those in need. He is Angsty Aunt.

Dear Angsty Aunt,

            I expect to give birth within the month, but my husband and I cannot agree on a name for the baby.  He wants to name it Duncan if it’s a boy after the man who conscripted me into the Grey Wardens, even as he left my parents to be killed.  This man was like a father to him, but I still carry … some resentment.  I want to name him after my father, Bryce, who was a great leader and wonderful father.  What do I do?  If it’s a girl, we shall name it after my mother and his grandmother. 

            Hoping for a Girl

            Dear Hoping,

            Tell him that when he figures out how to push a new life from his body, he can name it when it comes out.  If you really have something against this Duncan, don’t name your son after him.

            Angsty Aunt

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            My sister was an actress.  She was murdered recently.  Her body was found in the bed of the director who hired her to play a part in a very successful play.  I believe the author of the book the play is based on may know who killed them.  My sister deserves justice.  You must help me.

            Justice Must be Served

            Dear Justice,

            I doubt the author knows anything.  He or she would have no reason to disrupt a play they were making a profit on.  I’m sorry I can’t help you.

            Angsty Aunt

            Dear Angsty Aunt,

            My boyfriend left the Seekers when the Mage-Templar war started.  We were happy and talking of marriage.  Then the new Lady Seeker happened by.  She talked to him and had him read a book.  Now he has rejoined the Order and is helping to rebuild it.  I want him back home with me and don’t know how to lure him away from this Lady Seeker, she scares me and has since I laid eyes on her.  What should I do?

            Missing My Man

            Dear Missing,

            I understand why you miss the man you love, but he is serving something greater than himself.  Sometimes that means not being with those you would like by your side.  Perhaps you, too, have something important that is keeping you in your home town and you can’t be with your Seeker.  Does he know how you feel?  Do you want him to know?  Perhaps him not knowing will make the separation easier for him.  You do want him happy don’t you?  The Seekers are an important Order who are trying to rebuild and be better.  Perhaps, if there isn’t something vital, like rebuilding a city, keeping you home, you may want to go and join the Order yourself.

            Angsty Aunt

            Varric stared at the last letter.  He knew he was using the same arguments he had with Leliana… Divine Victoria, that was, when she had come to visit him.  She had called him names and yelled at him for hurting Cassandra.  The thought that Cassandra was hurting broke his own heart.  He hadn’t even considered that she could miss him.  She had other things, important things, to do and didn’t have time to miss him.  At least that’s what he told himself when he found he was pining for her company.

            He was pining for the Seeker.  How had that happened?  She’d dragged him from his home and now he wanted to drag her back here to be with him.  She was busy rebuilding the Seekers, though, and he was rebuilding Kirkwall.  They both had their duties.

            “Anders is right,” Isabela sat down across from him.  “You are competing with Fenris for the broodiest brooder of Kirkwall.  You might win if Bethany would ever forgive him for trying to kill Hawke.  She lets him take her out to court her, but she still holds back because of that.  He’s going to really have to think of a way to redeem himself.”

            “Speaking of killing people,” Varric leaned back.  “Did you have to kill that director and actress.”

            “You have no proof that I had anything to do with that hack and that talentless shill,” Isabela insisted.

            “I know you, that’s proof enough,” he countered.

            “Now you can have a musical,” Isabela held up her own copy of The Randy Dowager.  “That should more than make up for the loss of revenue.  I was thinking the character of Belladonna should do a risqué Burlesque routine.”

            Varric let out a deep moan as Isabela continued.


	39. Miserable Mage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More than a year ago, the Randy Dowager hired Thedas' best author to give advise to their readers. If you have a problem, and can find parchment and a quill, then maybe you can ask Angsty Aunt.

Dear Angsty Aunt, 

            I am a mage.  I must tell you this as it has bearing on my conundrum.  I had the misfortune of falling in love with a highly ranked noble.  He claimed he loved me, too, and still claims he loves me.  However, we cannot be together as society would never accept me as the wife of someone the highly powerful position that he was born into.  Now, he is marrying another.  I’m not sure what his feelings are for his intended as I have refused to see him for the last few months.  We broke things off when he made it plain that he would never marry me.  I have received an invitation to his wedding and am wondering if I should go or not.  He keeps claiming that he wants us to remain friends and I do miss him dearly.  What should I do?

           

            _Miserable Mage_

 

            Dear Miserable,

            You aren’t friends.  You love each other and watching the man you love bind himself to another will bring you nothing, but pain.  Just knowing that he belongs to another will hurt, there is no reason to force yourself to watch the act.  Stay home.

 

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

Dear Angsty Aunt,

            My good childhood friend, PP, is getting married.  She asked me to be in her wedding procession.  My friend grew up as the daughter of an artisan who was successful enough to support her family, but not to make extravagant purchases.  Now she is marrying a highly ranked noble.  I am happy for her, but she already seems to think she’s titled and her friends have the funds that her new family does.  She wants me to pay 10,000 gold pieces for the dress that I will wear to her ceremony.  I have tried to explain to her that I just do not have that much money, but she immediately accused me of trying to ruin her wedding and of ‘being the worst friend in the history of all of Thedas.’.   What should I do?

 

_Bride’s ex-Best Friend_

 

Dear ex-Friend,

            Is this bride you’re speaking of marrying Empress Celene?  10,000 gold pieces is absolutely ridiculous.  Is the dressmaker trying to fund an expedition to a lost thaig?  I have spoken to several of my friends about your situation as I have not been a part of a wedding procession.  My best friend reminded me that she had eloped.  The Queen of Ferelden had a large royal wedding and coughed, then laughed upon hearing this amount.  She wondered at how much the bride’s dress would cost if yours was so much.  She then declared that no one’s dress should cost more than a royal’s and is writing Empress Celene and King Marcus, as well as the Divine, about making laws on this.  My Cousin’s wife, Maeveris, who is the most fashionable person I know declared that if the bride’s family wants those in the processional to spend so much on clothes, they could provide the clothes at their own expense.  She also called your friend a ‘stuffed peacock’.  Take my advice, forget your supposed friend and invest in an expedition instead if you find yourself with that much money.

 

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

Dear Angsty Aunt,

            You have given my wife and I such wonderful advice during her pregnancy that I want to use your wonderful column to announce the birth of our first child, Moira Eleanor Theirin.  Both mother and daughter are doing well.  Maker, I am a lucky man.

 

            _Fabulous Father and King of Ferelden_

 

            Dear Fabulous,

 

            You are indeed a lucky man.  I am overjoyed for you and your queen, as I’m sure all of Thedas is.

 

            _Angsty Aunt_

 

            Cassandra stared at the column in _The Randy Dowager_ for several moments before setting it down.  She looked over to where those who had joined the Seekers, as well as the new recruits were training.  She missed Varric, but what she was doing was important.  Hadn’t he said so in his previous letter?  She was pretty sure he meant her.  Did that mean he missed her, too?  She found herself hoping so.  Still, this was important.  

            She stood and moved to return to her people.

 


End file.
